Speechless.....

Two days ago I wrote a post I couldn't post, fate knew the story wasn't ready,Two days ago I felt it was for the right reasons but nemesis had a twist awaiting meI've never hated the ability to love no that's a gift but the stiffness in my chestMeans the pain is ever present! I suffer in silence and I'm drowning in the air aroundMe! Nobody understands how could they? They don't even know , where is the woman soFull of life so confident so sure? I refuse to accept this legacy of heartbreak but rightNow I know no different....I'm staring at this words as I write them and I feel like I'veBeen drugged, pain, memories,regret, betrayal,I see your eyes I remember the smell ofHer and I knew! Like I always know WHY WHY WHy, my soul is wailing I'm shaken toMy core but I can't utter a word, WHY? How do I care so much, why does this feel like a curse? Even if you were man enough toAdmit it, would it make a difference? You can't undo what has been done, I can un knowWat I know, I can't breathe , I can't think I have no one to hold me I have no one!You were supposed to be my rock, the smile at the corner of my lips I lived with uOn borrowed time I loved you like a fool giving no thought to building my life withoutYou, I gave u too much, I'm all spent...

Shades of grey...

I have thought about you a few times and didnt mind getting to know you, didnt mind being a part of your life forever ,but somehow I cant be that person right now, you probably will never understand and somewhere you will be watching me and wishing i would reconsider! I love you but love is not always enough, forgive me in advance for the things i might do to you that even I am not sure of yet but know this....You will always be in my heart!!!!

Again And Again...

The most confusing thing is to not know exactly how I feel, have I let you go? Was I about to? Am I mad because you seem to be doing it better than me? Should I be relieved that life goes on? Yet sad that I seem to be living a lonely one? I can't explain everything I'm feeling, resentment, guilt, confusion , hurt!

I should be all too familiar with these methods tho, the silence! I've been here, the distance I've been there , the loneliness? I live here! Asking everytime why you won't just put me out of my misery but you deny me closure maybe to save yourself from looking me in the eye? You are right in a sense and I don't want your pity! Neither do I want to be treated like a bad habit!

I can't explain what is left of what I felt or if its still real because the erratic mood swings just exhaust me, I'm emotionally raw and I find my thoughts of you have become a staple in the closet of my conciousness ... Ever present , and I can't seem to shake you...