Heart break hotel!

it didn't seem deserted, in fact a lot of people happen to go here, I hear its very popular, women of all ages and some men too, the face said to me "you'll be in good company here some people like to talk some listen some cry or hold you when you cry, and every room has a shelf of all the sad love songs you need , we never run out of tissue and you can have as many sim cards as you want, anonymous phone calls are so last season!"

I looked around, sure enough it was adequate, a little corner of my own, one bed , pillows they even knew his favourite perfume! It was on the bed laying right next to his shirt, the face spoke again " I didn't wash the shirt so it wouldn't lose his DNA but feel free to spray on more of his perfume so you can feel like he's here when you wear it to bed at night, the tears come faster that way!" damn I thought , there was also a table and chair by the wall with loads of paper and a box of pens , the face continued "those as you can see are for writing him letters, you can do that everyday while you're in here, most people do that before the tears in the morning , it makes it more intense"

I also noticed the CD rack evetthing was well planned out , I turned round to see the door to the bathroom, in there it seemed someone had chronicled our entire relationship, pictures, conversations, dates everything embedded in the bathroom tiles there's no getting away now!

Yes, I think I have all I need, no food no water maybe some vodka , how do I pay I asked the face? " a broken heart will be sufficient miss" and how long can I stay? For as long as you want provided you stay broken!" well dear diary... I checked in this morning!

Almost doesn't count.....

The tears have become my bestfriend, knowing when to stop , keeping my secrets....none of this is new to me, i knew before i knew and i boasted to myself that i would get over the pain and do it all over again if i could...well i didnt anticipate that my heart would fall ill , it aches it cries it stifles it basically remains in constant pain! what am i afraid of? Why do we even fall in love? Why does it hurt so bad still? i am not going to lie to myself anymore...not going to paint you as a saint to make the fantasies more romantic,,,,dude u played me period!!!!!

How could you trivialise something that means so much to me?how could you not see that i give everything to you? guess its my fault for doing that though , i knew the deal but yet i let my heart fall deep and my head roll tumbling after..Lord help me heal! sometimes the tears well up so much but its too painful to cry and you! you? all you do is act like there is nothing underneath the look on my face , its always been a lose lose for me and here you are smiling all the way....i hate to believe that i was happy being second maybe even fifth best , but having to move on this way makes everything seem really worthless....i almost loved you for the rest of my life but ......

Say Something?

Is it in the open ended questions or the indirect acknowledgement? Have you already told me what I need to know or am I refusing to face the truth? I've asked you before but you keep making excuses...

I need to know what you are not saying? Is it finally over? Have you made up ur mind about the future, do you think if you don't tell me i'll just figure it out and go away? Is it this space tearing this apart, am I over reacting again? I need guidance, I need to know what to do!

undecided!

My love!I'm in that space again, wanting to go but needing a reason to knowing full well I should just step! Why wait for a reason when the reason would do more damage than good? Yet my optimism makes a mockery of me, stay ke? Are you suicidal? But I'm happy! I lie I'm confused, confused about what the future has in store for me, where is the love of my life if you are not him? I want you to be him but really must I give you up to truly know?

Can't help wondering from time to time, staying happy with just 'bring' but sometimes I can't help wondering if its all worth it! I lie again... I know I would do it all again in a new York minute but baby don't I deserve more?

To you my dearest...

My heart has ached for you without season and I am constantly thrown into confusion by the emotions I feel for you, your words today touched my soul and I knew I wanted "that" too as silly as it sounded, our love seems to defy all reason yet I would continue to give my arm if you ever needed it!Is fate so cruel that it would play such a game?? Pray tell? What is so wrong about our names entwining' could it be a taboo? For what purpose is this phase that we remain en-fixed with? Too many questions yet no answer seems befitting , little wonder love was never meant to be defined!

I rummage through the archives of great romances and picture maybe once we were one of them in another life time , or how do we explain this magic that we share sometimes complex, sometimes painful, sometimes perfect but ever so rare? You bring a smile to my face even when I detest your actions and stay blinded to your imperfections (sometimes) but I can't deny what my heart feels when I'm with you, can't deny that I can't replace you it is not that simple, I look into your eyes and I see a leader, a comforter, a lover, a brother, a man that I pledge undying love to... I see YOU!

Please tell me there is a happy ending, please tell me we won't grow out of each other, please tell me I will not be forgotten , please tell me I am not alone! Please tell me that I will be able to find happiness should you decide what haunts me daily! You have broken me no doubt, I have no defences for you even when I feign withdrawal to gain perspective.

I hope someday to share our tale to my children's children, to give hope that true love exists , to be able to smile in our memory, maybe to share a memory that will forever consummate our time together , I have since let go of the passion in my veins that makes no sense to me but I allow it free reign because my love Le coeur a ses raisons que la raison ne connait point (the heart has its reasons, of which reason knows nothing) I will love you forever...

No sustitute!!!!

I thought about you today and i smiled , not because I dont always think about you and smile but because i realised i got it BAD!!!!! Damn homie, I compare everybody to you nobody comes close, your smile your words your personality , your intelligence the way you make me feel , you keep me intellectually stimulated and i get bored easy so its no easy feat.....I thought about you today and realised a man like you is hard to come by, no surprises there!!!!! You mean a lot to me and I wont be giving you up anytime soon , My heart is hopelessly devoted to you and i'm loving it.....

sure!!! you piss me off a lot, but i like having you to be pissed off about, imagine what you did?????Didnt you consider for one moment it would hurt me, am i that oblivous to the facts??Then you had to go and rub my face in it??? I thought I could pretend and just not react but you know how i get and i resisted and just before i was about to give in you came thru...that is why i love you, you dodnt act right all the time but when you do you always make up for the past and the present and sometimes the future..lol....

I love loving you and dont want to be a substitute lover cause there is no substitue for you in my heart you are my long term plan.....

PRIORITY LIST

Hey it's been a minute!!! this is an old post but I still wanna put it up........

it ususally begins with a scale of preference, things i absolutely need check!Things i might be running out of soon check!, things that would entertain my guests check! things that I might possibly need later check! Things that suddenly catch my fancy (miscellenous)Check!Any randoms????? Ok so my guess is as good as yours, when you went shopping today i definitely wasnt something you "abolutely needed" Check!!!! I wasnt something that you even forgot to buy and ran all the way back to the store cos u were so mad at urself for forgetting the "main2 reason you went shopping in the first place!!Dude that just aint cool, its not even cool that i do this repeatedly, you remain my worst habit ever but why??what exactly is it with you? to be true is just not you? dont even want to hear you say anything causehearing you lie to me would be the stone cherry on this mud ass cake, if i really wanted to be part time i'm sure i would have been better working in the check out line{YEP), liquor store or doing shifts at the bar!

How can someone split themselves in three? take whole profits and still not give commessurate didvidends? make promises that cant be taken to the bank , better yet cant even be taken as promises,what good is a man without his word? Wait..my bad...what goes around comes like a thief in the night, kickingthe door in , no announcements neccessary right back round, didnt even neen a thereapist for this one...this mome nt dare i say is actually very symbolic...but i'm not switching the channel just yet even sad movies get a befitting ending...

Another sad love song...

And its breaking my brains like crazy that's why I'm all torn up inside, I know I have a big heart that should be a good thing right? Bout it means it hurts twice as hard, who is this woman who sees thru your lies and loves you no less? ME. Who is this woman that wants to be acknowledged, loved, adored, touched fondly and treated like ur better half? ME. Why does it always feel like no matter how hard and fast I run at this race panting with exhaustion , hopeful cos there seems to be no one catching up and looking into your eyes and visualizing the eventual prize only to get to the finish line to discover someone started way ahead of me!

They say women who love the same man have a bitter kind of freemasonry, I couldn't agree. More, look how we flock together like his personal choir and he waves his arms as if to conduct our lives, emotions friendships? Ever so present in his harem not two but three and yet he fools is all, loving me loving u and YOU? Is that truly possible? Am I going against all I believe in settling for second best? Is ur middle name ma binu? At least if this was a reality show I would know we were doing it for sensationslity sake!"secrets of d sand", "rose", "young and restless" name them we are quite the team aren't we?

This roller coaster ride really sucks!And I still can't figure out why we bother holding on? I'm not the one for you, there is no forever but my heart feels dis connected when its not loving you, how did you become my best friend? Its funny how I know you more than you can ever imagine, maybe that's why you love me, you feel like you met your match but why do you want to keep stringing me along? I know this will continue to hurt and I might dare to say you are my true love but I won't call you my "the one" cos if I don't marry you and I can bet I won't then my husband will take that title lol! Damn! You make my emotions hop around like a yo yo, one minute I'm mad beyond redemption and d next I'm just ... Ok! Hmmmm my love my pain! My endless love !

Pushing my buttons!!!

I was sooo mad at you today! I hate when you do that , and do that and do it all over again!!! I was impatient even and went through feeling how i feel when you do this but somehow when i thought i was as infuriated as I could possibly be and really didnt want to speak to you or was not in the mood to see you, all you had to do was what you did..Damn you!!!!!!! How do you pull my strings like a private instrument, wind me up like you're tuning a guitar, all the while living me in discord and then when you are wel and ready you make me smile so effortlessly!!!!!! HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA , yep all I want to do is scream, i liked being mad at you , it meant you were not immortal, i liked feeling irritated by that action cos it meant i hadn't lost my freedom to think like myself....I DID hate the fact that you knew just what to say and I wish I could hate that I love you so but that still aint happening!

Oh you on the other hand waltzing in and out of my life, you try to exercise a hold on me and I don't know what it is about you that just resounds in my head, I know the emotions are not there anymore , not at all in the strength that they once stood , but yet I guess its some subconcious effect you have on me , making me wonder if our purpose together has been fulfilled, our chapter concluded what are we still clashing for? Hmmm time wll tell, but you dudes sha , I no be elevator you need to stop pushing my buttons just because you can!!!!

Mixed bouquet!

I can't say I was surprised, been there done that, can't say I was dissappointed, been there done that , just sort of re-assigned or subjected to phase one, but i'm so happy to keep it real, hate it or love it you know how i feel , do as you will, love me if you will and know this though, only so long can our hearts stay entwined if they are not meant to be together...Mo miss e sha!!!LOL

Now You sorta remained within my radar, don't quite know what to make of you yet but you are such a gentlemen, i like the way you take control of situations , the way you don't care for playing that game that much, the way you love that game just like me, and the way you are just as restless but stay focused, I find you rather intrigueing, don't quite know what to expect, do you just wanna be friends? are you trying to see if i'm the one? isn't it a bit too soon for that? I know this though, I could really like you, I would like to get to know you though, and i'm a bit scared at the easy way i put my hand in yours , letting you guide me through the crowd like you were my man...Damn!!! a chick is really a chick..lol! feels good to feel like a girl!

IN YOUR ARMS.....

I'd imagined this moment many times, telling you everything I only dreamt about and YES, it was everything I wished it would be and more....I'd felt like crying so many times before but nothing can compare to the torrent of emotions that came tumbling with the sound of your voice admitting you felt the same way, how did I get so lucky? How did u get so lucky? LOL. You are such a strong man,,,MY MAN( I wish) and that is why I respect you so much, you don't even know how much! I've been beside myself with joy for the past few days giggling at every opportunity and just being plain happy...I LOVE YOU

Some may call me silly or maybe i just exxagerate but how do you explain not being able to cry when your heart is heavy and sour and in need of attention and care? How? But when you held me in your arms and told me how you felt and i knew deep down that was the realest moment ever ??? (You're so amazing when your guard is down ) I cried again...with emotions i did not know existed, I cried because i didnt have to worry anynore that you dont care cos you do....I cried because i thought you never missed me but you do, I cried because I once knew someone who wouldnt fight for my heart who wouldn't know how to tell me that he wanted me in his life, but you reached out to me....YOU....who i think about in every waking moment every night before i sleep...YOU.....who I would be perfectly happy spending the rest of my life with and having your children...YOU......who the mere sight of you gives me wings.....I cried because I LOVE YOU and loving you is beautiful and I want to be in your arms forever .....I feel so at home, at peace fulfilled, when i'm in your arms nothing else matters and i;m not afraid because i know no matter what i will get past whatever may come our way.....Loving you brings possibilties....DAMN

I want to cook for you, clean for you, care for you, cater to you ..I love being in your arms....but I LOVE YOU MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (exhale here)

YOU

You don't have to say anything, your silence has said more..

You don't have to do anything, your ommissions mean much more..

You shouldn't have to feel anything, your hardened heart is frozen...

You don't even remember me? The one you said you loved?

You can't even set me free, that would be too kind to me

You want me where you left me, staunted in love with you,

You need me to get over you but not enuff to say no

You know this will never be but yet the endlessness is killing me!

You want to be thru with me but in your memories i'll always be!

"Feeling" the VOID!!!

Warning!!! Long post....LOL, i've always wanted to say that, Ok i know its been a minute but seeing as i still haven't managed to gather that many readers i didnt feel like anybody would be missing dreamgirl...:(, anyhow..i've had a lot on my mind for a while now and i figured it all boiled down to feeling empty about almost everything!!!Because i don't want to leave anything out i'm gonna just divide em into sections so i can follow thru with my thoughts, here goes.....
1. I love you but i'll never be the one
2. We had love but it would never be enough
3. You love/like/lust after/then just like me but i just really really really want to be ur friend!
4. We are not acquaintances but cant be called friends!
5. the grass is not so green, or at least my view from here...
6. My opinion of the ONLY answer to this madness!!!
7.Sex and the city

I should be a coloumnist i'm telling u...LOL....well buckle up get ur popcorn and tune in to my girly chat show...

(1) I LOVE YOU BUT I'LL NEVER BE THE ONE
This one's a no-brainer cause he is the reason i started this blog in the first place, I've done this to myself far too many times so now its pretty routine! there's never a reason to stay where you are not number one but i can give you fifty, women in love really do have fish brains!!! but you see i still feel somehow in all this mess that love doth conquereth all , and the harsh reality is that it might not be the love i feel for you, it might not be to my benefit because you'll never be mine and i was at a stage once where i felt that it was cool as long as you were happy, isnt that what loving someone is all about? being able to let go, being selfless enough about them to be somewhat content with them just being happy? Well than i lie when i say i'm in love with you cause this cant be what i'm feeling, I want to be with u to the exclusion of all others, i dont want to share you, exclude u from my life and i dont want u to dod that to me either, i have lost my sense of remorse, guilt? i just want to be your baby !!!! Is it not insane that i'm under the illusion that i'm sticking with my man, being faithful not wanting to do anything behind ur back cos fool may care? even if it was with the same person i hurt because of you, i couldnt even bring myself to kiss him NO, my lips r exclusively for you, but urs are not for me and never will be and this is why this madness must STOP.

They say women begin to lose a sense of themselves when they r in love, i have never been an advocate of this and i refuse to begin now, i need ur companionship but it doesnt have to be you, i need to feel loved and protected , but it doesnt have to be by you, i need to have my own fairytale before the idea of love finally gets stamped into my membrane as a mere illusion concocted by those evil tall hatted witches in the wizard of Oz with no sense of style as a way of permenanently torturing romantic single females like me (I digress) but on the real , why is loving somebody so hard so wrong? I've bought a zillion gazzilion books , i am not obsessed i just cant kick this habit of thinking about u in my every waking moment knowing u will never look into my eyes and say "You're the one i love" NEVER??? And my heart tugs at my chest at the thought of that and i just want to cry u out of here sooooooo bad but it wont happen and everything might have a reason but i believe this reason is far spent and i just cant do this anymore...be in love with u? It hurts tooo much and i die inside everytime! see how happy i am for a peck on the lps! this is not the mind of a confident , intelligent, goal oriented female....with you i remain just a girl in love with a boy and it feels...EMPTY....

(2) WE HAD LOVE BUT IT WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH
You , you , You....i've never blogged about you but somehow u found a way to creep in like u always do, you're the one that has given me a cocktail of emotions right from the start, from prospect to he's not that into you to look what the cat dragged oitta the club to love of my life to runaway heart to back where we started to i'm the one to blame to you cant stop letting me down!!!yep u were one helluva cocktail alright! But seeing u made me wonder if love was ever really blind? saw all the things i didnt like right from the beginning then u went and gave me butterflies and till this day you've made me wonder if i was destined to marry u cos of those butterflies...oh cupid!!!Send me new butterflies!!! And then i kinda figured you knew me well enuff for us to have that discussion but i knew i would never ever love u again like that moment , that one moment, it was good for that moment only!!!! how could love takle so much work? surrounded by insecurities and the feeling of wanting more, thinking there must be more to this relationship than this, where is the zing , where are my dreams and will i be miserable if i settled for him? and there is nothing wrong with him but he is not for me then when i see 15 other people ready to jump on the wagon i begin to wonder if i missed something and want to make it work, but the truth is no matter how hard we try somehow it will never work, i dont know why but looking into ur eyes and saying no left me with two feelings only regret for the past and yes....emptiness for the future!

(3)YOU LOVE/LIKE/LUST AFTER.....REALLY WANT TO BE FRIENDS

I guess it was all my fault to begin with, silly drunken kiss that turned into a friendly homie chase, now i confused u, u never had a chance i dont love u, not that way but i've always loved your mind and the way you so eloquently know me to the point of annoyance and u sometimes sound like my inner voice and i would like to tell you so much more but u had to complicate it all byt thinking you fell in love with me then trying to fall out of love with me all the while taking my friend away from me who is really all i wanted, i thought we'd grow old together and laugh about my youthful days and childish ways and wanting to be owned etc while we baby sat our grand children and our spouses knew we couldnt do without our ever so english chatter, but no earl tea for u and me, you think i'm too much work most of the time and i really cant play that male/female banter with u cos i sthink u are a higher being and cant seem to understand why u would even consider playing such games , i'm ur FRIEND, nothing more and i just want to have that and not feel like i'm usining u as therapy or an interim phone pal till i find the one, dont want u to feel used either, dont want to lose my friend bit y did u go and get serious on me/ you know i love my lover and as much as i'm trying to not love him so much i would nevver love u that way so cant we just drop the extras and sometimes static converstations cos i realy like spending time with you even if you help me stamp out that crazy mind of mine that keeps yelling 'u love ur lover u love ur lover quick start another topic use him to get him off ur mind"...i'm terribly sorry and when u go away the way u do and i dont have my friend to open up to i feel VERY lonely and extremely empty...

(4) WE ARE NOT ACQUAINTANCES BUT CANT BE CALLED FRIENDS

It's amazing how things look so good from afar off and u get a little closer still blinded by the image u sooo pleasantly concocted, even allow urself to grow in this fantasy only tpo be told to pull the dge of ur skirt click ur heels and disaappear far away before u get stuck in the opposite of OZ (forgive my obsession with dorothy's life..lol) Well i really thought you could be the one for now i guess i'd need to know u a little more to know if u were the one, but somehow u seem to keep in touch seem to be somewhere within my radar but you dont strike as someone that wants to get to know ME! you know next to nothing about me and i wonder if you are not curious? i remember how crushes ar and how i would always want to know the babsics like wat foods do u like, wat makes u laugh wat is ur favourite colour? Plus all the seasons of nature think you are not good for me wbut i wish i at least could walk away knowing that i knew you enough to not want you instaed of this antio climax of knowing u more than a random friend and still not knowing you enuff to be myself enuff around you...this really sucks!!!!!

(5) THE GRASS IS NOT SO GREEN...FROM HERE

okay so i'm all for good, even great relationships, but its no fun being a third leg or feeling like one, have u ever been around people that make u feel like theres a glass wall thick enuff for you to see it engraved in gold "Private, no entries please"???? Yep that kind and it piffs me to no end, i know i want to be in my own cocoon but i'm a very open and accomodating person and would ;love to have peopel around us but will also have time outside of that cocoon to have a friendship without hiccups...i'm so not happy about this and know this is wrong to feel thos way but i'm only human and it would be great to not feel like ..hey look wat u should be like , being single aint pretty missy...go sit in the single corner (walking to it rolling my eyes)...LONELY!

(6)THE ONLY ANSWER TO MY MADNESS

Well if you haven't figured out by now that my personal saviour Jesus Christ is the only on ethat can cure my madness and fill this void, if i would just dedicate as much time as i did to these worldly thots of mine then maybe i'd be a lot happier, i therefore reccomend, implore every one reading this blog do not i repeat DO NOT EVER NEGLECT YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR MAKER, he is that daily nurturing we all need and that joy that is in0describable and i find myself struggling with this all the time and feel bad that its only when i'm sad i remember to call on him and get so self involved sometimes i dont acknowledge his prescence...PLEASE FORGIVE ME LORD I WILL CONTINUE TO SEEK YOUR FACE AND LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING ANYONE ABSOLUTELY BECAUSE YOU ARE THE REASON I AM BREATHING AND THE ONLY ONE WHO TRULY UNDERSTANDS THAT MY PURPOSE IS NOT CENTERED AROUND ANY MAN.....I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH PLEASE DONT GIVE UP ON ME....AMEN

(7) SEX AND THE CITY

Ok please dont think i'm totally bonkers, but finally watched the movie and being the romantic that i am i really loved it and i'm about to start watching the series from season one....anybody wanna join me????? toodles for now!!!!

p.s forgive the typos....

Tongue in cheek???

Not only men can break your heart, people in general do it on the daily, Maybe i'm even guilty of doing it too , how manyy times have we said things without thinking, laughed at other people and justified it because well? they were laughable??? i'm rather hurt right now but this too shall pass, sometimes i wonder how thick your skin needs to get and if its some process of "coming of age" and at what point does it ever stop?

If you want to pay a compliment pay it, if you want to debit an insult go staraight ahead, but i'm sick of all the hypocritical oxymorons, JUST DO IT, no sugar coating , no sacarstic remarks then maybe we can all deal with the honesty or PHD behind it at least we'll sleep better knowing it is what it is!!!!!!

I was gonna vent but it just isn't worth it anymore , to each man his own, its just a gift and a curse this darn ****hole that everybody's got called an opinion.....God help US all!!!

illusionary high!

Ok so i'm thinking this is just an illusion ' it must be... All this contentment is not quite wat I'm used to, extra attention, declarations which cannot be faulted guess its by default, let's just let it ride, enjoy it while we can right? Who is to say these affections aren't dying a natural death already?

I suppose I'm a bit confused at this sudden surge of happiness, nothing to worry about or is there? Should I be detaching myself in readiness for the eventual seperation? I really don't know, yet I keep getting the idea that the change dat so often comes my way is almost here, I used to dread it, cry my heart out, stay gloomy and try to figure it all out but alas! My friend change... You remain faithful!

Lately I've thought of ways to work on me for me, I want my drive back, I want to see the vision clearly, where am I headed? Where is that excitement that spurs me on? I've been so afraid of everything, I've been afraid of being afraid, I get the feeling fear is a mere distraction so go on, just do it, but somehow the situation lacks method, where is th incentive, where do I belong? Do I constantly merge my dreams with my heart? C'mon Dreamgirl you know better!

I need a plan, I have goals already and I've been in the fantasy world that we can achieve them together, but no personal goals are just that... Personal! And so I need to find where I belong, stop feeling alone, neglected, un-important, am I trying to be accepted by the rong people? I may genuinely like them but dat doesn't mean they have to reciprocate, where are MY friends?? Where do I belong? When will my morning come? When will I feel refreshed?

Substance is key and I need you Lord right now, show me this truth, show me my path according to your will, where my joys reside and where I belong I am trusting you, and as for my heart? You will be remembered but I need only one map right now... The one that leads me to re-discovering myself!

P.s don't you feel sometimes that our visions and experiences are like getting a pedicure? Lol, shedding off old skin constantly and revealing a smooth new you!

Go Go... GO!

First you miss me then you don't! Then you love me now you won't! I don't believe men get that confused, I honestly feel like you are just being selfish , don't want to feel like you don't control my emotions anymore but should that be your motivation?

If I wanted to think like a woman in love I would assume you try hard but can't live without me but that would be your fault, cause reaching out to me and telling me how you miss me is just wrong,you don't need to be messing with my mind, yes it can be some form of relief , yay! I am missed! But you're probably missing all three of us so why should I feel special? Sometimes I think about u so much dat u call me , probably my subconcious summoning you, you don't even know why!

For the first time today I got a bit mad at this, yep! A week ago if you'd had said you missed me i'd be on a natural high all day, but you know wat? I miss you too! SO WHAT? It doesn't mean much to me anymore, empty words that lack promise, you miss me doesn't mean you going to leave HER or her for that matter! So why are you missing me?because I'm the stupid one dat takes all d stepping on? The one who will shamelessly go weak at d knees at ur touch?

You miss me??? So did you hit ur head? Am I suddenly ur soulmate? Are you going to declare emotions that u can't control anymore and put me outta my misery? If not then DUDE don't be missing me, I want all or nothing now so take a bow and just GO!

S.O.S!!!

Mehn! Women are suffering and its not even a joke, everywhere I turn every blog I read some body's heart just got broken but you know what? We are not ALONE! I can't even believe I've done four days no contact hm mm, yet all my thoughts are still with you, this time they say heals MUST heal me cause I have no place else to go, I've read all the self help books I can and I hear what they are saying but somehow they don't apply when it comes to you, I can't even begin to explain the person I'm becoming right now doing things i didn't believe i was capable of doing I think i must be running mad!!!!

Today I'm alright cause I've been busy then i begin to imagine that filling my days are like a suppressant and no matter how much i occupy my mind there will still be moments when i can't run a way from my mind, what then? Memories flashing, conversations playing back , why do you do this to ME! Is this my punishment for allowing us to happen, when will i stop beating myself up about this, when will i do something productive and get on with my life already? Sometimes there's a glimpse of hope i feel like yep I'm over him i see u and i fall right back , Why???? If you are not mine why do i still care? Or is this just a case of wanting what you know you can't have???

I cant even explain the range of emotions I've been going thru LORD!!! This has to stop , i need to find me back desperately...

The other 'WOMAN'

I watched a show today about this and had mixed feelings about the topic, I've unfortunately been both the woman and the other woman and either way it's not a pretty sight, It's so easy to obsess about the other woman , assume she's the reason he's with you, accept that he loves her and loves you too for different reasons in different ways but who are we fooling? In both situations I've discovered that it remains a big blow to the ego...what's wrong with me? what does she do better than me? where did I go wrong? How UN-desirable could i have suddenly become that would propel him into the arms of another woman? And as the other woman? Why won't he leave her? i don't want to be the reason he leaves her, I don't want to take away her happiness yet I love him so much!

No matter how many times i go over the motions I realise that it's no fun being any of those women, the one he's cheating on and the one he's cheating with ,cause like it or not we are both being cheated, we are cheating ourselves by being with someone who doesn't respect us enough to care about how these actions will hurt our feelings, cheating myself by settling for less and shame on me for sharing another woman's man....BUT, when he declares his love, when he seems so needy like he can't go on without me, like i complete him then he turns round to tell her how he can't live without her cooking, while he's getting the best of both worlds , she gets the 'ideal' world I....get..... 'nothing'! I've found out that women go through mostly the same emotions in this situation, you feel betrayed , devastated, alone, where do i go from here? how do I move on without my soul mate, was he really my soul mate?If he wasn't why did it feel so great and at what point did Mr right become Mr-got -to get-gone?

I've heard how they keep telling us these lies to keep us available , where they want us to be, if he cheated with me he will cheat on me?Is that always the case? Or is he thinking that I'd probably cheat on him too if he tried to get serious?Is that why we can't be in a real relationship? For how long am I going to keep the hope alive? even if he wants to be alone does it mean he wants to be with me?, I also remember hating the other woman and wondering how she could be so heartless, but I'm not heartless i just fell in love with him, and i would never want to hurt you but I am in too deep, How can she look me in the face and smile and then go behind my back for stolen moments....when I look in your face I feel numb, I want what you have but I can only get a fraction so somehow I feel like I haven't entirely robbed you of anything!

Yet every time he beckons I find it hard to resist him, not to believe he's sincere but every time he declares his love , I find it hard to trust him, to believe he's sincere....this is sooo wrong, Why can't we all just be in a happy, realistic for real relationship and be fulfilled, I don't like being the woman that is being cheated on and I don't like being the woman he's cheating with either, I don't want to be called the OTHER!!!!!!!

My heart...my LOVE..

Memories of those special moments keep playing in my head, the truth they say will set you free, I strongly believe this concept is working for us, It's strange how it feels like we both know this is not forever and as much as I would want you to declare un-dying love i have since adjusted to expecting nothing but giving everything , it feels fulfilling, it has no barriers and no baggage, it keeps me sane! finding words to describe how i feel today has been pretty hard , it a mixture of different emotions, did u really reply all my questions? Where are we now? is it back to the program? Do i want to be back to the program and in another 3 weeks start my withdrawal symptons all over again? wish i could call you an addiction but that would be a violation of the beauty of being with you, so maybe i'll stick to calling you my tattoo....that painful art that has been crafted into my skin so hard that it draws blood yet somehow leaves an odd beauty behind, my tattoo adds colour to my skin, gives me sex appeal lol , my tattoo is a part of me and days will go by when i will forget that it is still there then one morning when i'm not in a hurry to get anywhere i look at myself in the mirror and there you are...my tattoo...almost a taboo..

Hmmm, If I feel this way about you then my husband must evoke a thousand more emotions, I am at peace around you, when i'm not worried about the other shes ,it just feels natural, YOU feel natural, sometimes all you have to do is smile at me and i'm beside myself with joy, passion, compassion , an assortment of emotions on a platter, How can I go on suppressing you ? I want to love you with every hair on my skin, evry breath that I take , I know you think i'm being dramatic but baby.....baby?That sounds good too...

Obviously i'm so spaced out I can't even articulate the way i'm feeling , but I like the level of intimacy we're at right now, my love for you is greater than my need for you...and I have mad love for you even when you don't act right!What is meant to be will eventually be....Dear Lord take control!

Thou art ....'WOMAN'!!!

A woman by any other name would have been an injustice, unique as they are, complicated even and yet quite predictable! she knew not what form this transaction would take, yet she felt the same things responded to the same things , didn't even realise how affected she still was or maybe she did? but as the story usually UN-folds the same looks were had, the same vibes had passed, the same silence and impersonality's were feigned, and YES the same fool was had!!!

Woman!!! Indeed by any other name would seem less accurate, why then has nothing changed? No drastic heart-ache , no promises of a future, certain quiet..closure? Is this how u look?feel? Have you finally decided to take her out of her misery? Maybe! Maybe some sanity...finally...She can't even begin to feel left behind, she needs to channel those emotions into something more productive, did she not hear the voices from within? How they strengthened her and yet she heeded the call of the pretender, knowingly, decidedly , threw all caution to the wind and decided that she would go ahead and bear her name...woman...

Undeterred by the consequences, admitting defeat and allowing nature take it's course , it will never be your world but that will not stop you from ruling it..right? As an observer I see no power in letting the lifeless conquer the mind but what is done is done and i can only console and hope that this experience is ..final and this woman is re-newed? Thus i rest my case as she marvels me so, this gem, so tender, so delicate yet so brazen by all other standards finds her weakness in this one moment and embraces it....truly by no other name do you deserve to be called but....WOMAN!!

IT'S NOT REAL??!!!!!

My eyes are glassy as i think about those words deeply, i was talkng to my sister today and she told me look it's not real if you were living in a bubble, it's not real when you can't openly show how you feel, 'when a man loves a woman' sigh....all i can think is DAMN! If it's not real why does it hurt so bad? Why do unreal things purge real emotions? This is not a self esteem issue people i know I deserve better, but it is what it is and I'm just being realistic...Like that Jordin sparks song? He's tattooed on my heart and I'll always have him, but is it worth it letting him know now that I've been told it wasn't real?

What good will it do if i gave him one last chance to reject me? at least i can still save face for now but we all need closure somehow and this absence of that is killing me...I am not made of stone, I cannot believe that it wasn't real!!!!!But was it? I couldn't hold his hand in public, i couldn't be too affectionate, I basically had to sneak around for reasons best known to us but c'mon it wasn't real? I sacrificed another relationship for this because i couldn't stop thinking about him and it wasn't real? He told me from the jump that he couldnt give me a 100% but if he gave me 30% was that real? I'm not the type of woman that settles for less, i don't even believe in sharing but theres that one man in a woman's life that makes a fool of her, was this my one? Ok he was....

I know there are players and all that but if you are not evil, is it too extreme to imagine that for one moment in time our hearts were aligned and for that moment in our lives wat we had was real???HELP I need answers suggestions, i'm throwing it out to as many people who have anything to say, was it possibly real if only for a moment and am i permitted to write him a letter?????

Kodak moments....

' Sure I've been in love a time or two /But in the end I still chose you /No one could ever make me feel this way /That's why it's killing me, what we're going through /Somehow thought 'tween me and you /Our love would stand the test of time and never ever fade

But we're not making love no more /We're not even trying to change /Tell me how it slips away /Does it ever stay the same /We don't even talk no more /We've ran out of words to say/ Tell me it don't have to change/ Won't it ever stay the same

Girl I know that things aren't going right/ But don't you think it deserves a fight /A love like ours don't happen everyday /And we're losing it right as we speak/ And if we don't wake up, it's a memory A time gone past, a love that sailed away

But we're not making love no more /We're not even trying to change /Tell me how it slips away/ Does it ever stay the same/ We don't even talk no more /We've ran out of words to say/ Tell me it don't have to change/ Won't it ever stay the same

I dream of lovers past /and I see a girl so sad /cause She lost the only man she loved /He went away /Well it's not too late for us To change

But we're not making love no more/ We're not even trying to change /Tell me how it slips away /Does it ever stay the same /We don't even talk no more /We've ran out of words to say /Tell me it don't have to change /Won't it ever stay the same ?'

You asked me to listen to these words the other day and felt that they were appropriate for us, sometimes people say things and don't reaslise how weighty they can be, if you really feel this way i'm not sure if to be happy or sad, sad that it sounds like the end or happy that you might feel a quarter of the way i'm feeling right now? but yeah we're not making love no more but i still have so much to say to you...but sadly my words forget what they mean around you..

Bittersweet....

I'm back at that un-certain spot this morning, sometimes I feel like i'm completely over you, guess its too soon to attain such great heights, bumped into you a couple of times and I still miss my friend, why do things have to change so drastically? i'm suddenly more available to all my admirers constantly looking for the most appropriate contender to distract me from my thoughts of you...it's not working, at least not yet, i'm constantly comparing them to you, their jokes are not as funny, they don't have that air about them like you do where everything is just in place and i feel safe cause you are in control, they seem boring , strange , who will laugh at my jokes? who will understand the reasons i say certain things , who would understand those private jokes forged from spending so much time together???? NO ONE



If I concentrate hard enough I can go abot my business and pretend you're outta town , there somewhere in my subconcious I can imagine you still want to be with me but the distance is putting a starain on us a,,,another fantasy right? If you really miss me like you say you do why dont you speak with as much meaning, why are you so convicted in the decision to move on without me? I willl not sound like a broken record with my i miss yous and what nots , I wasso elated the other day when i felt a certain form of release and i felt like i let go of my burden, but all of a sudden memories start popping back that only you and i can share and i begun to think again how i will rebuild all those bridges, will life ever be as much fun without you to share it with?



One minute i'm gone next thing i know i back in love with you,my emotions feel impossible like a village girl trying to fill a basket with a bucket of water?....fruitless!!! i really wish i could cut out the painful bit of my heart like a guest said, rip it all out and take out the scarred bits ...damn i miss you like crazy, i might be getting used to being without you but all these men pale in comparism to you ...damn you for making me love you like this....my head spinning from so much emotion , i cant cry anymore i'm done sharing tears they only cloud my thoughts and make the healing process even more pregnanat....save me now!

Letting go.....

True Love they say means being able to let go, and there is joy in realising that you have loved and not lost . I've asked friends many times what it means to be in love and pondered many times on whether I have been that fortunate, well I have!!!i have embraced the emotions, the ups and downs and the control that secret love requires, wanting many times to yell from the top of a mountain or maybe a sky scraper (lol) that I am yours and no one else matters, I have been committed to you even when you were committed to two or three others and have waited in line for my turn as would a concubine in Solomon's harem!But letting go has never felt so good.....no more painful tears , I cry now with joy , the experience was remarkable , and I would do it all over again....

I once read that living life completely is loving with your heart, truly, deeply, and no inhibitions knowing that you might get hurt but it would have been worth it.Missing someone next to you can be so excruciating but loving them no matter what is even more fulfilling.i am more knowledgeable now, i learnt so much from being with you.....i have NO regrets! People come into your life for different reasons and maybe yours was to show me a glimpse of what's to come!

I once wrote a poem about my first love at the touch of whose love I became a poet , at the touch of yours I became a WOMAN! I know what i want in a man now , I know how it feels to be desired, wanted, needed, appreciated. I think you didnt even know what to do with me , and I was probably more alluring when you felt I was incapable of letting myself go. Now I have and once again through the rough you've made me smile, I have bad memories but I have good ones too and knowing that side of you has given me wings! The only problem is now I can't settle for less , you've upped the ante once again and I only wish that I let you go for HER and not her , it would have been more meaningful, but maybe it is best this way cause I am consoled that it would take a lot more to re-capture our magic with her....

I feel happy that I can still be in your life but out of harm and hurt's way, I am relieved, you are and forever will be my friend and somewhere deep down you have made my hall of fame.You don't need to feel akward around me , i'm past that! True love means never having to say you're sorry , I CHOSE to love you and I CHOSE to let you go and neither was your fault, I am re-defined and excited now, so fly freely my butterfly cause letting you go (truly) has set me free...

know this NOW!

Hey all, I read this article and think it's amazing, its just as women no matter how much chick lit we dig into or memorize, all this advice always seems to dissappear when you really need it, but for what it's worth it's great to share.......ENJOY!

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache. Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that's not meant to be. Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends." A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend. Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better. The only person you can control in a relationship is you. Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, Why would he treat you any differently?Always have your own set of friends separate from his. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up. Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later. You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within. Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less. Never let a man define who you are. Never borrow someone else's man. > >If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.All men are NOT dogs. You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is two way street. You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute about baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals...look for someone complimentary...not supplementary. Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right. Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always know where you are, and your always readily available to him- he takes it for granted. Never move into his mother's house. Never co-sign for a man. (Hallelujah, thank you Jesus!) Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others.Share this with other ladies..... You'll make someone smile, another rethink her choices, and another woman prepare. They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them and an entire lifetime to forget them.

I Cried!!!!

I woke up this morning, with all the same emotions I had yesterday, the only difference is i had a conversation with an old friend and it changed everything, i still dreamt of you all night and wondered if you would call today and take it all back but i found a deeper meaning to where i am, I know we all say that what's yours is yours and will come back to you but today i decided to examine what it is that i really want. Am i really in love with you? maybe i am but there is a greater love that makes whatever i'm feeling pale in comparism, the love of Jesus!I still miss you nothing has changed , but i was told today that my heart is not broken, i am not damaged or torn my heart is simply deceiving me and i believe that. Yes i need to get used to the changes , i need to realise that this too shall pass and there's something better waiting out there, bot neccessarily another man but just a deeper meaning to my life more substance.

Many times i've decided that you are exactly what i want in a husband , and then again i wonder if that should be my stand, do i want to be in a situation where i cant love you freely? would things have been different if i could?Slowly but surely i am getting over myself , and that revelation today that what i think matters most hardly means a thing for HE that gave me his love did so with no limitations, no conditions, no pretence no hidden intentions and that humbled me so much that i felt the release cascading down my face and i instantly began to heal, my heart doesn't feel that heavy anymore, i'm not torn , no i'm not! i'm very healthy just a little disappointed and its gonna get a whole lot better....I love you darling but i'm beginning to love my self more and i will cry as often as i need to till there are no more tears left with your name on it, then i will wake up one morning and you wont be my first thought.....

I told you so

If my heart could speak...I can only imagine the words I would hear are "I told you so!I told you not to love him, I told you not to get so involved and imagine that you would just snap out of it , i told you not to let go , I screamed at you when he gave us butterflies, I knew it was the beginning of the end now i'm broken and you're aching all over if you would only listen when i told you to.....DAMN!

Does being in love have to hurt so bad? Or is that what happens when you love the wrong person? How can someone be almost perfect and still not right? I blame myself for this though, I knew very well it would never end right but i believed that the memories would be great enough to have been worth the pain but I missed one thought! i didn't realise how much pain i'd be dealing with, I have become almost numb, i day-dream myself to tears and then they refuse to drop, i just get all glassed up at the eyes and freeze at the thought of letting the emotions sink in, It's like i'm holding on to that last piece of you and once the tears come tumbling down i would fall completely apart, I hate the helplessness that comes with wondering what went wrong, when u decided you had had enough, when u got so infatuated with her that you just couldn’t get enough of her, it hurts to see you do all the things we did together , to imagine you were doing those same things with her, going to the same places trying to re-enact our memories, it makes it all seem less sacred, if there was magic was i the only one that felt it? Were your words ever true or u were just blinded by the moment and said things that you didn’t really feel? Am i just obsessing about you cause i know you’ll never be mine or cause we lived in a bubble and the reality would never have worked? I feel like i invested all this time for nothing, I also feel at times that its not my place to feel this way after all how do i want her to feel?what would she do if she knew half of what went on? Is this a typical case of what goes around comes around? Are we done for good this time? I know what you’re like when you want something and thats how i know you’re not wanting me right now, i’d like to scream this all out, yell my head off get you outta ny heart...cry!!!!! but i feel the pain more and more, think about you all the time, sometimes i'm stuck day dreaming so deep nothing around me exists , then i have to snap back to reality and let you go.....i won't know what to do with myself...i don't know what to do with myself...I MISS YOU.

It's not about the intimacy , i miss the companionship , I miss looking forward to doing absolutely nothing with you, guess that was the problem, that i would more often than not choose you over any other activity i might be interested in , It hurts now to think that you can move on without me, yeah life goes on but did it have to be that fast? how can you not feel what i felt and how could you throw it in my face like that??? I guess everybody has these moments , maybe cause this is the first time i’ve actually felt dumped!!! i don’t know, i cant remember the last time you left town without telling me, it feels so horrible to think that you can strike me outta your life that easily, so are you telling her all the things you used to tell me? Are you telling her about me too???? That would be crazy, do you feel bad about throwing it all in my face or you think this is the best way to help me get over you? Could you ever fall in love with her or are you in love already??? I love the jokes you used to tell me, the way you made me laugh, the excitement of just being together, i miss watching the movies in bed and singing that song, i hate that i miss you , i hate that i cant cry....i hate that i’ve been here so many times and now i know i’m not immune, i’m not that hard, or maybe i just fell hard, and i told you i didn’t want to get attached to you. I didn’t want to lose my self to this fantasy , i didn’t want to get stuck on you and left behind? Why didn’t you just tell me, i wonder if it would have been easier to get over you, sign language is not the same and although i sort of figured it out in the way you began to detach yourself i refused to believe it was over, i wanted you to say you had tried but couldn’t get over me i wanted you to miss me, i even wanted to make you jealous but i guess its a lot easier for you....

Are you doing all these things because you’ve made that decision and now you are running out of time and don’t want to feel like you are missing something? what about us? what about how i feel? No, i would hate for you to love me out of pity or even be with me because you didnt want to hurt my feelings, guess this is the best way then, abrupt and effective, maybe it'll work , maybe it'll take longer for me to deal with it , but i'm on this lonely road again , don't want or need any shoulders to cry on cause i want you , but wanting you would never be real , true love doesn't live in a bubble .....I wish I was stone hearted like you thought I was but i'm only human and i told you SO!!!!