To you my dearest...

My heart has ached for you without season and I am constantly thrown into confusion by the emotions I feel for you, your words today touched my soul and I knew I wanted "that" too as silly as it sounded, our love seems to defy all reason yet I would continue to give my arm if you ever needed it!Is fate so cruel that it would play such a game?? Pray tell? What is so wrong about our names entwining' could it be a taboo? For what purpose is this phase that we remain en-fixed with? Too many questions yet no answer seems befitting , little wonder love was never meant to be defined!

I rummage through the archives of great romances and picture maybe once we were one of them in another life time , or how do we explain this magic that we share sometimes complex, sometimes painful, sometimes perfect but ever so rare? You bring a smile to my face even when I detest your actions and stay blinded to your imperfections (sometimes) but I can't deny what my heart feels when I'm with you, can't deny that I can't replace you it is not that simple, I look into your eyes and I see a leader, a comforter, a lover, a brother, a man that I pledge undying love to... I see YOU!

Please tell me there is a happy ending, please tell me we won't grow out of each other, please tell me I will not be forgotten , please tell me I am not alone! Please tell me that I will be able to find happiness should you decide what haunts me daily! You have broken me no doubt, I have no defences for you even when I feign withdrawal to gain perspective.

I hope someday to share our tale to my children's children, to give hope that true love exists , to be able to smile in our memory, maybe to share a memory that will forever consummate our time together , I have since let go of the passion in my veins that makes no sense to me but I allow it free reign because my love Le coeur a ses raisons que la raison ne connait point (the heart has its reasons, of which reason knows nothing) I will love you forever...

"Feeling" the VOID!!!

Warning!!! Long post....LOL, i've always wanted to say that, Ok i know its been a minute but seeing as i still haven't managed to gather that many readers i didnt feel like anybody would be missing dreamgirl...:(, anyhow..i've had a lot on my mind for a while now and i figured it all boiled down to feeling empty about almost everything!!!Because i don't want to leave anything out i'm gonna just divide em into sections so i can follow thru with my thoughts, here goes.....
1. I love you but i'll never be the one
2. We had love but it would never be enough
3. You love/like/lust after/then just like me but i just really really really want to be ur friend!
4. We are not acquaintances but cant be called friends!
5. the grass is not so green, or at least my view from here...
6. My opinion of the ONLY answer to this madness!!!
7.Sex and the city

I should be a coloumnist i'm telling u...LOL....well buckle up get ur popcorn and tune in to my girly chat show...

(1) I LOVE YOU BUT I'LL NEVER BE THE ONE
This one's a no-brainer cause he is the reason i started this blog in the first place, I've done this to myself far too many times so now its pretty routine! there's never a reason to stay where you are not number one but i can give you fifty, women in love really do have fish brains!!! but you see i still feel somehow in all this mess that love doth conquereth all , and the harsh reality is that it might not be the love i feel for you, it might not be to my benefit because you'll never be mine and i was at a stage once where i felt that it was cool as long as you were happy, isnt that what loving someone is all about? being able to let go, being selfless enough about them to be somewhat content with them just being happy? Well than i lie when i say i'm in love with you cause this cant be what i'm feeling, I want to be with u to the exclusion of all others, i dont want to share you, exclude u from my life and i dont want u to dod that to me either, i have lost my sense of remorse, guilt? i just want to be your baby !!!! Is it not insane that i'm under the illusion that i'm sticking with my man, being faithful not wanting to do anything behind ur back cos fool may care? even if it was with the same person i hurt because of you, i couldnt even bring myself to kiss him NO, my lips r exclusively for you, but urs are not for me and never will be and this is why this madness must STOP.

They say women begin to lose a sense of themselves when they r in love, i have never been an advocate of this and i refuse to begin now, i need ur companionship but it doesnt have to be you, i need to feel loved and protected , but it doesnt have to be by you, i need to have my own fairytale before the idea of love finally gets stamped into my membrane as a mere illusion concocted by those evil tall hatted witches in the wizard of Oz with no sense of style as a way of permenanently torturing romantic single females like me (I digress) but on the real , why is loving somebody so hard so wrong? I've bought a zillion gazzilion books , i am not obsessed i just cant kick this habit of thinking about u in my every waking moment knowing u will never look into my eyes and say "You're the one i love" NEVER??? And my heart tugs at my chest at the thought of that and i just want to cry u out of here sooooooo bad but it wont happen and everything might have a reason but i believe this reason is far spent and i just cant do this anymore...be in love with u? It hurts tooo much and i die inside everytime! see how happy i am for a peck on the lps! this is not the mind of a confident , intelligent, goal oriented female....with you i remain just a girl in love with a boy and it feels...EMPTY....

(2) WE HAD LOVE BUT IT WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH
You , you , You....i've never blogged about you but somehow u found a way to creep in like u always do, you're the one that has given me a cocktail of emotions right from the start, from prospect to he's not that into you to look what the cat dragged oitta the club to love of my life to runaway heart to back where we started to i'm the one to blame to you cant stop letting me down!!!yep u were one helluva cocktail alright! But seeing u made me wonder if love was ever really blind? saw all the things i didnt like right from the beginning then u went and gave me butterflies and till this day you've made me wonder if i was destined to marry u cos of those butterflies...oh cupid!!!Send me new butterflies!!! And then i kinda figured you knew me well enuff for us to have that discussion but i knew i would never ever love u again like that moment , that one moment, it was good for that moment only!!!! how could love takle so much work? surrounded by insecurities and the feeling of wanting more, thinking there must be more to this relationship than this, where is the zing , where are my dreams and will i be miserable if i settled for him? and there is nothing wrong with him but he is not for me then when i see 15 other people ready to jump on the wagon i begin to wonder if i missed something and want to make it work, but the truth is no matter how hard we try somehow it will never work, i dont know why but looking into ur eyes and saying no left me with two feelings only regret for the past and yes....emptiness for the future!

(3)YOU LOVE/LIKE/LUST AFTER.....REALLY WANT TO BE FRIENDS

I guess it was all my fault to begin with, silly drunken kiss that turned into a friendly homie chase, now i confused u, u never had a chance i dont love u, not that way but i've always loved your mind and the way you so eloquently know me to the point of annoyance and u sometimes sound like my inner voice and i would like to tell you so much more but u had to complicate it all byt thinking you fell in love with me then trying to fall out of love with me all the while taking my friend away from me who is really all i wanted, i thought we'd grow old together and laugh about my youthful days and childish ways and wanting to be owned etc while we baby sat our grand children and our spouses knew we couldnt do without our ever so english chatter, but no earl tea for u and me, you think i'm too much work most of the time and i really cant play that male/female banter with u cos i sthink u are a higher being and cant seem to understand why u would even consider playing such games , i'm ur FRIEND, nothing more and i just want to have that and not feel like i'm usining u as therapy or an interim phone pal till i find the one, dont want u to feel used either, dont want to lose my friend bit y did u go and get serious on me/ you know i love my lover and as much as i'm trying to not love him so much i would nevver love u that way so cant we just drop the extras and sometimes static converstations cos i realy like spending time with you even if you help me stamp out that crazy mind of mine that keeps yelling 'u love ur lover u love ur lover quick start another topic use him to get him off ur mind"...i'm terribly sorry and when u go away the way u do and i dont have my friend to open up to i feel VERY lonely and extremely empty...

(4) WE ARE NOT ACQUAINTANCES BUT CANT BE CALLED FRIENDS

It's amazing how things look so good from afar off and u get a little closer still blinded by the image u sooo pleasantly concocted, even allow urself to grow in this fantasy only tpo be told to pull the dge of ur skirt click ur heels and disaappear far away before u get stuck in the opposite of OZ (forgive my obsession with dorothy's life..lol) Well i really thought you could be the one for now i guess i'd need to know u a little more to know if u were the one, but somehow u seem to keep in touch seem to be somewhere within my radar but you dont strike as someone that wants to get to know ME! you know next to nothing about me and i wonder if you are not curious? i remember how crushes ar and how i would always want to know the babsics like wat foods do u like, wat makes u laugh wat is ur favourite colour? Plus all the seasons of nature think you are not good for me wbut i wish i at least could walk away knowing that i knew you enough to not want you instaed of this antio climax of knowing u more than a random friend and still not knowing you enuff to be myself enuff around you...this really sucks!!!!!

(5) THE GRASS IS NOT SO GREEN...FROM HERE

okay so i'm all for good, even great relationships, but its no fun being a third leg or feeling like one, have u ever been around people that make u feel like theres a glass wall thick enuff for you to see it engraved in gold "Private, no entries please"???? Yep that kind and it piffs me to no end, i know i want to be in my own cocoon but i'm a very open and accomodating person and would ;love to have peopel around us but will also have time outside of that cocoon to have a friendship without hiccups...i'm so not happy about this and know this is wrong to feel thos way but i'm only human and it would be great to not feel like ..hey look wat u should be like , being single aint pretty missy...go sit in the single corner (walking to it rolling my eyes)...LONELY!

(6)THE ONLY ANSWER TO MY MADNESS

Well if you haven't figured out by now that my personal saviour Jesus Christ is the only on ethat can cure my madness and fill this void, if i would just dedicate as much time as i did to these worldly thots of mine then maybe i'd be a lot happier, i therefore reccomend, implore every one reading this blog do not i repeat DO NOT EVER NEGLECT YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR MAKER, he is that daily nurturing we all need and that joy that is in0describable and i find myself struggling with this all the time and feel bad that its only when i'm sad i remember to call on him and get so self involved sometimes i dont acknowledge his prescence...PLEASE FORGIVE ME LORD I WILL CONTINUE TO SEEK YOUR FACE AND LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING ANYONE ABSOLUTELY BECAUSE YOU ARE THE REASON I AM BREATHING AND THE ONLY ONE WHO TRULY UNDERSTANDS THAT MY PURPOSE IS NOT CENTERED AROUND ANY MAN.....I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH PLEASE DONT GIVE UP ON ME....AMEN

(7) SEX AND THE CITY

Ok please dont think i'm totally bonkers, but finally watched the movie and being the romantic that i am i really loved it and i'm about to start watching the series from season one....anybody wanna join me????? toodles for now!!!!

p.s forgive the typos....

illusionary high!

Ok so i'm thinking this is just an illusion ' it must be... All this contentment is not quite wat I'm used to, extra attention, declarations which cannot be faulted guess its by default, let's just let it ride, enjoy it while we can right? Who is to say these affections aren't dying a natural death already?

I suppose I'm a bit confused at this sudden surge of happiness, nothing to worry about or is there? Should I be detaching myself in readiness for the eventual seperation? I really don't know, yet I keep getting the idea that the change dat so often comes my way is almost here, I used to dread it, cry my heart out, stay gloomy and try to figure it all out but alas! My friend change... You remain faithful!

Lately I've thought of ways to work on me for me, I want my drive back, I want to see the vision clearly, where am I headed? Where is that excitement that spurs me on? I've been so afraid of everything, I've been afraid of being afraid, I get the feeling fear is a mere distraction so go on, just do it, but somehow the situation lacks method, where is th incentive, where do I belong? Do I constantly merge my dreams with my heart? C'mon Dreamgirl you know better!

I need a plan, I have goals already and I've been in the fantasy world that we can achieve them together, but no personal goals are just that... Personal! And so I need to find where I belong, stop feeling alone, neglected, un-important, am I trying to be accepted by the rong people? I may genuinely like them but dat doesn't mean they have to reciprocate, where are MY friends?? Where do I belong? When will my morning come? When will I feel refreshed?

Substance is key and I need you Lord right now, show me this truth, show me my path according to your will, where my joys reside and where I belong I am trusting you, and as for my heart? You will be remembered but I need only one map right now... The one that leads me to re-discovering myself!

P.s don't you feel sometimes that our visions and experiences are like getting a pedicure? Lol, shedding off old skin constantly and revealing a smooth new you!

I told you so

If my heart could speak...I can only imagine the words I would hear are "I told you so!I told you not to love him, I told you not to get so involved and imagine that you would just snap out of it , i told you not to let go , I screamed at you when he gave us butterflies, I knew it was the beginning of the end now i'm broken and you're aching all over if you would only listen when i told you to.....DAMN!

Does being in love have to hurt so bad? Or is that what happens when you love the wrong person? How can someone be almost perfect and still not right? I blame myself for this though, I knew very well it would never end right but i believed that the memories would be great enough to have been worth the pain but I missed one thought! i didn't realise how much pain i'd be dealing with, I have become almost numb, i day-dream myself to tears and then they refuse to drop, i just get all glassed up at the eyes and freeze at the thought of letting the emotions sink in, It's like i'm holding on to that last piece of you and once the tears come tumbling down i would fall completely apart, I hate the helplessness that comes with wondering what went wrong, when u decided you had had enough, when u got so infatuated with her that you just couldn’t get enough of her, it hurts to see you do all the things we did together , to imagine you were doing those same things with her, going to the same places trying to re-enact our memories, it makes it all seem less sacred, if there was magic was i the only one that felt it? Were your words ever true or u were just blinded by the moment and said things that you didn’t really feel? Am i just obsessing about you cause i know you’ll never be mine or cause we lived in a bubble and the reality would never have worked? I feel like i invested all this time for nothing, I also feel at times that its not my place to feel this way after all how do i want her to feel?what would she do if she knew half of what went on? Is this a typical case of what goes around comes around? Are we done for good this time? I know what you’re like when you want something and thats how i know you’re not wanting me right now, i’d like to scream this all out, yell my head off get you outta ny heart...cry!!!!! but i feel the pain more and more, think about you all the time, sometimes i'm stuck day dreaming so deep nothing around me exists , then i have to snap back to reality and let you go.....i won't know what to do with myself...i don't know what to do with myself...I MISS YOU.

It's not about the intimacy , i miss the companionship , I miss looking forward to doing absolutely nothing with you, guess that was the problem, that i would more often than not choose you over any other activity i might be interested in , It hurts now to think that you can move on without me, yeah life goes on but did it have to be that fast? how can you not feel what i felt and how could you throw it in my face like that??? I guess everybody has these moments , maybe cause this is the first time i’ve actually felt dumped!!! i don’t know, i cant remember the last time you left town without telling me, it feels so horrible to think that you can strike me outta your life that easily, so are you telling her all the things you used to tell me? Are you telling her about me too???? That would be crazy, do you feel bad about throwing it all in my face or you think this is the best way to help me get over you? Could you ever fall in love with her or are you in love already??? I love the jokes you used to tell me, the way you made me laugh, the excitement of just being together, i miss watching the movies in bed and singing that song, i hate that i miss you , i hate that i cant cry....i hate that i’ve been here so many times and now i know i’m not immune, i’m not that hard, or maybe i just fell hard, and i told you i didn’t want to get attached to you. I didn’t want to lose my self to this fantasy , i didn’t want to get stuck on you and left behind? Why didn’t you just tell me, i wonder if it would have been easier to get over you, sign language is not the same and although i sort of figured it out in the way you began to detach yourself i refused to believe it was over, i wanted you to say you had tried but couldn’t get over me i wanted you to miss me, i even wanted to make you jealous but i guess its a lot easier for you....

Are you doing all these things because you’ve made that decision and now you are running out of time and don’t want to feel like you are missing something? what about us? what about how i feel? No, i would hate for you to love me out of pity or even be with me because you didnt want to hurt my feelings, guess this is the best way then, abrupt and effective, maybe it'll work , maybe it'll take longer for me to deal with it , but i'm on this lonely road again , don't want or need any shoulders to cry on cause i want you , but wanting you would never be real , true love doesn't live in a bubble .....I wish I was stone hearted like you thought I was but i'm only human and i told you SO!!!!