Again And Again...

The most confusing thing is to not know exactly how I feel, have I let you go? Was I about to? Am I mad because you seem to be doing it better than me? Should I be relieved that life goes on? Yet sad that I seem to be living a lonely one? I can't explain everything I'm feeling, resentment, guilt, confusion , hurt!

I should be all too familiar with these methods tho, the silence! I've been here, the distance I've been there , the loneliness? I live here! Asking everytime why you won't just put me out of my misery but you deny me closure maybe to save yourself from looking me in the eye? You are right in a sense and I don't want your pity! Neither do I want to be treated like a bad habit!

I can't explain what is left of what I felt or if its still real because the erratic mood swings just exhaust me, I'm emotionally raw and I find my thoughts of you have become a staple in the closet of my conciousness ... Ever present , and I can't seem to shake you...

Heart break hotel!

it didn't seem deserted, in fact a lot of people happen to go here, I hear its very popular, women of all ages and some men too, the face said to me "you'll be in good company here some people like to talk some listen some cry or hold you when you cry, and every room has a shelf of all the sad love songs you need , we never run out of tissue and you can have as many sim cards as you want, anonymous phone calls are so last season!"

I looked around, sure enough it was adequate, a little corner of my own, one bed , pillows they even knew his favourite perfume! It was on the bed laying right next to his shirt, the face spoke again " I didn't wash the shirt so it wouldn't lose his DNA but feel free to spray on more of his perfume so you can feel like he's here when you wear it to bed at night, the tears come faster that way!" damn I thought , there was also a table and chair by the wall with loads of paper and a box of pens , the face continued "those as you can see are for writing him letters, you can do that everyday while you're in here, most people do that before the tears in the morning , it makes it more intense"

I also noticed the CD rack evetthing was well planned out , I turned round to see the door to the bathroom, in there it seemed someone had chronicled our entire relationship, pictures, conversations, dates everything embedded in the bathroom tiles there's no getting away now!

Yes, I think I have all I need, no food no water maybe some vodka , how do I pay I asked the face? " a broken heart will be sufficient miss" and how long can I stay? For as long as you want provided you stay broken!" well dear diary... I checked in this morning!

I told you so

If my heart could speak...I can only imagine the words I would hear are "I told you so!I told you not to love him, I told you not to get so involved and imagine that you would just snap out of it , i told you not to let go , I screamed at you when he gave us butterflies, I knew it was the beginning of the end now i'm broken and you're aching all over if you would only listen when i told you to.....DAMN!

Does being in love have to hurt so bad? Or is that what happens when you love the wrong person? How can someone be almost perfect and still not right? I blame myself for this though, I knew very well it would never end right but i believed that the memories would be great enough to have been worth the pain but I missed one thought! i didn't realise how much pain i'd be dealing with, I have become almost numb, i day-dream myself to tears and then they refuse to drop, i just get all glassed up at the eyes and freeze at the thought of letting the emotions sink in, It's like i'm holding on to that last piece of you and once the tears come tumbling down i would fall completely apart, I hate the helplessness that comes with wondering what went wrong, when u decided you had had enough, when u got so infatuated with her that you just couldn’t get enough of her, it hurts to see you do all the things we did together , to imagine you were doing those same things with her, going to the same places trying to re-enact our memories, it makes it all seem less sacred, if there was magic was i the only one that felt it? Were your words ever true or u were just blinded by the moment and said things that you didn’t really feel? Am i just obsessing about you cause i know you’ll never be mine or cause we lived in a bubble and the reality would never have worked? I feel like i invested all this time for nothing, I also feel at times that its not my place to feel this way after all how do i want her to feel?what would she do if she knew half of what went on? Is this a typical case of what goes around comes around? Are we done for good this time? I know what you’re like when you want something and thats how i know you’re not wanting me right now, i’d like to scream this all out, yell my head off get you outta ny heart...cry!!!!! but i feel the pain more and more, think about you all the time, sometimes i'm stuck day dreaming so deep nothing around me exists , then i have to snap back to reality and let you go.....i won't know what to do with myself...i don't know what to do with myself...I MISS YOU.

It's not about the intimacy , i miss the companionship , I miss looking forward to doing absolutely nothing with you, guess that was the problem, that i would more often than not choose you over any other activity i might be interested in , It hurts now to think that you can move on without me, yeah life goes on but did it have to be that fast? how can you not feel what i felt and how could you throw it in my face like that??? I guess everybody has these moments , maybe cause this is the first time i’ve actually felt dumped!!! i don’t know, i cant remember the last time you left town without telling me, it feels so horrible to think that you can strike me outta your life that easily, so are you telling her all the things you used to tell me? Are you telling her about me too???? That would be crazy, do you feel bad about throwing it all in my face or you think this is the best way to help me get over you? Could you ever fall in love with her or are you in love already??? I love the jokes you used to tell me, the way you made me laugh, the excitement of just being together, i miss watching the movies in bed and singing that song, i hate that i miss you , i hate that i cant cry....i hate that i’ve been here so many times and now i know i’m not immune, i’m not that hard, or maybe i just fell hard, and i told you i didn’t want to get attached to you. I didn’t want to lose my self to this fantasy , i didn’t want to get stuck on you and left behind? Why didn’t you just tell me, i wonder if it would have been easier to get over you, sign language is not the same and although i sort of figured it out in the way you began to detach yourself i refused to believe it was over, i wanted you to say you had tried but couldn’t get over me i wanted you to miss me, i even wanted to make you jealous but i guess its a lot easier for you....

Are you doing all these things because you’ve made that decision and now you are running out of time and don’t want to feel like you are missing something? what about us? what about how i feel? No, i would hate for you to love me out of pity or even be with me because you didnt want to hurt my feelings, guess this is the best way then, abrupt and effective, maybe it'll work , maybe it'll take longer for me to deal with it , but i'm on this lonely road again , don't want or need any shoulders to cry on cause i want you , but wanting you would never be real , true love doesn't live in a bubble .....I wish I was stone hearted like you thought I was but i'm only human and i told you SO!!!!