PROOF OF LIFE

 

The Ides of March, Even after eight years it's like there is something in the air around this time of year.

I don't have a story of heartbreak today just one of reflection. I have lived a colorful life and I recognize that some things have remained a constant. A void only God can fill!

Just wanted to let you know, that I am alive, I am well, and I am still believing in things yet unseen because living fully - required the past, and whatever I do with the future, will reward it!

I do have an open wound from 2018... someday I will share it for healing! Till then, y'all continue to have the audacity of hope!

xx

To you my dearest...

My heart has ached for you without season and I am constantly thrown into confusion by the emotions I feel for you, your words today touched my soul and I knew I wanted "that" too as silly as it sounded, our love seems to defy all reason yet I would continue to give my arm if you ever needed it!Is fate so cruel that it would play such a game?? Pray tell? What is so wrong about our names entwining' could it be a taboo? For what purpose is this phase that we remain en-fixed with? Too many questions yet no answer seems befitting , little wonder love was never meant to be defined!

I rummage through the archives of great romances and picture maybe once we were one of them in another life time , or how do we explain this magic that we share sometimes complex, sometimes painful, sometimes perfect but ever so rare? You bring a smile to my face even when I detest your actions and stay blinded to your imperfections (sometimes) but I can't deny what my heart feels when I'm with you, can't deny that I can't replace you it is not that simple, I look into your eyes and I see a leader, a comforter, a lover, a brother, a man that I pledge undying love to... I see YOU!

Please tell me there is a happy ending, please tell me we won't grow out of each other, please tell me I will not be forgotten , please tell me I am not alone! Please tell me that I will be able to find happiness should you decide what haunts me daily! You have broken me no doubt, I have no defences for you even when I feign withdrawal to gain perspective.

I hope someday to share our tale to my children's children, to give hope that true love exists , to be able to smile in our memory, maybe to share a memory that will forever consummate our time together , I have since let go of the passion in my veins that makes no sense to me but I allow it free reign because my love Le coeur a ses raisons que la raison ne connait point (the heart has its reasons, of which reason knows nothing) I will love you forever...

illusionary high!

Ok so i'm thinking this is just an illusion ' it must be... All this contentment is not quite wat I'm used to, extra attention, declarations which cannot be faulted guess its by default, let's just let it ride, enjoy it while we can right? Who is to say these affections aren't dying a natural death already?

I suppose I'm a bit confused at this sudden surge of happiness, nothing to worry about or is there? Should I be detaching myself in readiness for the eventual seperation? I really don't know, yet I keep getting the idea that the change dat so often comes my way is almost here, I used to dread it, cry my heart out, stay gloomy and try to figure it all out but alas! My friend change... You remain faithful!

Lately I've thought of ways to work on me for me, I want my drive back, I want to see the vision clearly, where am I headed? Where is that excitement that spurs me on? I've been so afraid of everything, I've been afraid of being afraid, I get the feeling fear is a mere distraction so go on, just do it, but somehow the situation lacks method, where is th incentive, where do I belong? Do I constantly merge my dreams with my heart? C'mon Dreamgirl you know better!

I need a plan, I have goals already and I've been in the fantasy world that we can achieve them together, but no personal goals are just that... Personal! And so I need to find where I belong, stop feeling alone, neglected, un-important, am I trying to be accepted by the rong people? I may genuinely like them but dat doesn't mean they have to reciprocate, where are MY friends?? Where do I belong? When will my morning come? When will I feel refreshed?

Substance is key and I need you Lord right now, show me this truth, show me my path according to your will, where my joys reside and where I belong I am trusting you, and as for my heart? You will be remembered but I need only one map right now... The one that leads me to re-discovering myself!

P.s don't you feel sometimes that our visions and experiences are like getting a pedicure? Lol, shedding off old skin constantly and revealing a smooth new you!