Yes or NO?

I asked you today if I should just cut my losses and move on, at some point you said you cared but guess it wasn't strong enough for you to fight for me ....for this!

Every time a conversation remotely sounds serious you avoid it , you will probably face up to the realness with someone it just so happens that someone isn't me after all. I asked you if i should stop trying ...after telling me you are on an induced high (the other excuse) you wrote " I didn't know you were trying" !!! Really? I have just stayed in touch because ex-girlfriends within a month are simply supposed to be over their emotions and be cool "friends"?

I feel like I don't know you anymore but I've done this to myself way too many times, I don't want to assume , I want you to say it mean it and own it! Whatever it is ..... but at least we would both know you actually made a decision.

After all my relentless badgering you finally responded with a "No"....... I will give you some space still   because there is nothing worse than being in an un-wanted position. A man is supposed to fight for what he wants , I need something to believe in again , I need a show of strength!

When love is lost....

In the three years that I haven't been here, one would assume I finally figured this love thing out.... NOT! Well I recently thought I had too, YOU whom I confided in and took as my friend decided you wanted more and for a time it felt right and I was over the moon happy...

I let you have all you wanted and got excited speaking to you everyday, you cared for me you were thoughtful , you became the man in my life and you said you wanted to be . A month with you on your turf was a bit difficult at times because I saw you resist letting "us" flow and got mad at all sorts of things but I figured our friendship would be our play of strength when times got rough...boy was I wrong!

This is the closest I have felt to the emotion of death/ losing someone abruptly, when someone who seemingly cared just does a full 360 and all the emotion is gone, you don't even try to save us , like you are totally un-interested. You refuse to share your feelings and even when you do after I've tried a million things you keep it to the barest minimum and leave me hanging, what did I ever do to you?

I thought my heart had been broken before , this is a whole new level . All I feel is a vacancy, I feel abandoned, I feel like I was placed on a pedestal and had it yanked from under me , I feel lonelier than when I had no one, I feel foolish!

Silly of me to think that I was finally home....why is it so hard for anyone to just say "You are the one I want forever" I am sooo ready yet now , I will always be afraid of being abandoned in my heart.
Lord heal me....

Could this be...

Is it really that easy to fall for someone? When you try hard to resist the way you're feeling...

Your heart has been taught it needs to fight for affection, you need to be deprived and starved for attention...

If he wants you, you have to show him that you want him too...love is not effortless its a battle field!

Why then is he creeping up on me, why is he so brazen with wanting me? Why does he desire to make me happy?

How can he be so sure he knows what he's feeling? What if its just a temporary phase, a fleeting emotion?

Wanting to feel wanted yet unsure of "this" future...why me, why now? Why are u making this so easy???

"EX" Rated

This is probably too much information so you might wanna skip this post...

I was very tense watching you across the table, I saw the way you looked away when I was told the nice things you had done for me in my absence, emotions all over the place yet we both acted calm me pretending to be firm in my decision , You ..not quite sure if there wasn't one last shot.

You decided to go out and amuse yourself but subconsciously kept me updated so I would know you weren't straying, it made me feel better it really did but it also made me miss you more...I counted the hours, I slept, counted some more and slept again! Then I heard the car and knew you were back so I had to act like I was not bothered and still asleep.

Voices..banter...footsteps...then you pushed my door open and saw me wide eyed staring right at you.."Hey" you said, I mumbled a sleepy hello back then you said "well seems we're stuck together" and I smiled silently moving over...thinking (no big deal we'll just sleep anyway)..I was wrong

You decided to break the ice and told me all about your night out, it was interesting I was amused at how you kept touching me to emphasize the movements you were describing (na fanta advert? Lol) still I played dumb and let you speak when you were done I turned my back to you and you put your hand on my waist...I froze ...a million thoughts racing through my mind ( I want him, it feels natural, mostly I ached for that one touch) with more confidence your hand moved up towards my breasts and grabbed an ever ready nipple , it was hard before you touched it my body responds at the sight of you...

I flinch and you ask "Am I harassing you?" You can't see the hot tears welling up in my eyes and I try to still my shaky voice in a whisper I say "Yes" and then while flicking my tautness you ask in that lowered tone that you use when you are drowned in desire "Why aren't you stopping me?" So I pull your hand down and back to my waist "I'm stopping you now"...silence... Again you ask " so what happens when we are thrown into these akward positions?" I say " we gist and then we sleep" but you say "what if we can't?" I continue " we will try"...at this point my pillow is wet from my silent torrent of tears so I get up and go to the bathroom...

As soon as I shut the door I begin to wail, the silent whimpering I'm short of breath but I dare not let you know what you do to me, I'm so weak from loving too hard this was my moment, I was finally standing my ground I was supposed to be moving on because loving you was tearing me apart...but no...you had to touch me!!! Why, Why... Please WHY???

Hoping that you've fallen asleep I quietly enter the room and get back in bed, soon your hand is on my waist again and you ask "Do you want me to stop loving you?" I can swear my heart stopped beating at the possibility that you could!... So still whimpering I ask "Can you stop? You say it like there's a switch you can just turn off" holding me a little tighter you speak " do you want me to love you in another way?" Crying again I say "Yes" then you say the only way to do that will be to totally switch off...fresh tears...fresh pain....thinking silently (this is it but I need to be strong)...

Then you flip me over so effortlessly and force my legs open in one swift movement ... I refuse to open my eyes because the tears have blurred my vision, I want to yell don't do this but my body says otherwise , your lips find mine and the warmth and gentleness of every stroke makes me cry harder, my waist arches towards you and you find my nakedness .. Moist...inviting...ready ...take advantage of me...

And you do,I can feel how much you need me, the urgency in your kiss and then I feel you, my whole body shivers , I feel like our souls are speaking...you're thrusting...I'm grinding..thrust..grind..thrust ...thrust...oour whole relationship flashes right before me and then in a split second you let yourself go...Earth..

Just when I think its over, I'm crying uncontrollably still thinking (why am I so weak) you take me again, more gentle this time, devouring my heated breasts , sucking on my lips like you were searching my very being..passionate...then ...I shudder... You shudder harder... I tighten myself around you I want to feel everything... Then the quiet sets in and you whisper in my ear ..." I LOVE YOU"...the words escape my lips.."I LOVE YOU TOO"...

#

Don't wanna be alone tonight...

I don't want to be alone tonight
Because I fear that my thoughts are always of you..

I don't want to be alone tonight
Because I don't sleep wondering if you're thinking of me too...

I don't want to be alone tonight
Because even with my eyes open I see you right next to me...

I don't want to be alone tonight
Because I feel my body responding to a touch that I will never feel again...

I don't want to be alone tonight
Knowing she's the one you said "goodnight baby " to...

I don't want to be alone tonight
Cos I hear u asking me "do u want me to stop loving you?" Like it was only five minutes ago ...

I don't want to be alone tonight
Wishing on stars that have forgotten my name...

I really just don't want to be...A L O N E!

Tell them...I didn't listen

It seems there's a song for you everywhere I turn, although I didn't think the end was impossible it was just unimaginable , didn't ever want to think of what life would be without you... But now dats inevitable !

IMPOSSIBLE (Shontelle)

I remember years ago ​
​Someone told me I should take ​
​Caution when it comes to love ​
​I did, I did ​
​​
​And you were strong and I was not ​
​My illusion, my mistake ​
​I was careless, I forgot ​
​I did ​
​​
​And now when all is done ​
​There is nothing to say ​
​You have gone and so effortlessly ​
​You have won ​
​You can go ahead tell them ​
​​
​Tell them all I know now ​
​Shout it from the roof tops ​
​Write it on the sky line ​
​All we had is gone now ​
​​
​Tell them I was happy ​
​And my heart is broken ​
​All my scars are open ​
​Tell them what I hoped would be ​
​Impossible, impossible ​
​Impossible, impossible ​
​​
​Falling out of love is hard ​
​Falling for betrayal is worst ​
​Broken trust and broken hearts ​
​I know, I know ​
​​
​Thinking all you need is there ​
​Building faith on love and words ​
​Empty promises will wear ​
​I know, I know ​
​​
​And now when all is gone ​
​There is nothing to say ​
​And if you're done with embarrassing me ​
​On your own you can go ahead tell them ​
​​
​Tell them all I know now ​
​Shout it from the roof tops ​
​Write it on the sky line ​
​All we had is gone now ​
​​
​Tell them I was happy ​
​And my heart is broken ​
​All my scars are open ​
​Tell them what I hoped would be ​
​Impossible, impossible ​
​Impossible, impossible ​
​Impossible, impossible ​
​Impossible, impossible! ​
​Ooh impossible (yeah yeah) ​
​​
​I remember years ago ​
​Someone told me I should take ​
​Caution when it comes to love ​
​I did ​
​​
​Tell them all I know now ​
​Shout it from the roof tops ​
​Write it on the sky line ​
​All we had is gone now ​
​​
​Tell them I was happy ​
​And my heart is broken ​
​All my scars are open ​
​Tell them what I hoped would be ​
​Impossible, impossible ​
​Impossible, impossible ​
​Impossible, impossible ​
​Impossible, impossible ​
​​
​I remember years ago ​
​Someone told me I should take ​
​Caution when it comes to love ​
​I did..​
​

You said...then I said..

Monday July 12,2010
YOU:
‎​Though I suspected . .I only found out about u and him here cuz I read ur bb (I truly wished I didn't), which means I found out he was meant to come to here and all that, u guys shared the same jokes u sent to me (bout only people who can etc) u know all that . So from my view how special really was what we had, this past month I've struggled with my emotions yes I love u but there's just too much I can't deal with ,I wanted u for just me but were u always mine? I also analysed our relationship while trying to move forward, you never really listen to me, I can't be a perfect ... cuz I've to be sensitive cuz of. . . . And I also see u not happy with what we even have . . From ur tweets and regular side comments etc so really why not just bust. I might be better at concealing my feelings and get distractions to help deal with it. .but don't think I don't have them or never had them even with small things u do. . They get to me more than if its any other person. . .. Like I said there's nothing wrong with and any man would be blessed to have u under normal circumstances. U will always ve a special place in my heart. . .

ME:
I know u say I always have an explanation for everything but maybe that's how I am.

Sorry you read whatever you read and the joke about ..dat he sent if I vaguely remember d convo I know I said "I don't know what ure talking about" and laughed it off, you probably won't believe and don't need the info but I did it only once which was poor judgement cos I did it for d wrong reason, and I guess when u stay friends wit sumone uve been with such convos happen from time to time.Him coming to here was not for me , I'll say again we r not like dat even tho he doesn't know who you are he knows there's sumone I am/was in love with and dats where it ends.

I wanted to be just urs too and even if I slipped physically I never did emotionally , even at times dat I was so hurt u saying "sorry" would just melt me every time and u say it so well, but at d end of d day I'm human and so r u and even when d heart forgives d memories flash back from time to time.

Part of why I've been so messed up is cos of all d stuff I guessed too and little things like u telling me "she" sends u pics etc, I also feel like you shared what we had with her, she confides in u etc I don't do that with anybody, and since last year maybe that's why u felt that distance cos like I've told u already I just felt like u had betrayed me d worst possible way and u didn't seem to care . I would tell you things and you wud discuss it wit her or tell her and I just felt like I wasn't dat important anymore, yeah u r fond of me but u stopped "seeing" me.

I've been frustrated and all my side comments ( as we also discussed already) was me venting wanting to just get everything out in d open , dats probably childish n dats y we did d face to face talking and I thought we bonded and wud try to get if nothing else our friendship bk on track! But then u lied to me again d very next day.

Its true I haven't been happy cos I'd been obsessing about d other person u were loving even d day before my bday my resolve is lost my confidence has been broken I felt like I was trying too hard, this whole "M" thing has truly finally broken whatever is left of my heart(if hearts ever break) then those two days at d club, I just felt like if it has come to d point where u "can't be bothered" about how I feel then I probably haven't been loving myself enuff, if I was told dat cud ever happen I wouldn't believe it but I went thru it, crying in d club cos I actually cudnt hold it in anymore.

Maybe u know how to conceal/ act like u don't care etc, but I used to be like u at some point too, but I don't know how to be that strong anymore, when I told u I cudnt do it anymore dat day it was because I accepted from d very beginning to miss u even when ure standing beside me, but when its ur distractions dat occupy ur mind and I'm seeing everything u have to admit its not healthy!

With all that's been said and done its obvious too much water has passed n having a relationship in a bubble has not been easy for either of us, I agree with you and it goes without saying that u will always be in my heart, I've told u many times whether u believe it or not due to whatever factors, You are the only man I've ever been in love with, it doesn't come wit a manual but I tried my best. Thank you for the great memories we'll always share...