Naked!

The tears sting, not because of my mascara either I just washed my face.

Walking around looking at myself like an out of body experience, wondering where my life went and how long I would stay in this slumber. was it all a dream?

Did I dream up the hopes and relief that at times made me feel like I had escaped this feeling of constant entrapment? That I would be the one that did good, irrespective of all the shit i've been through?

Did I imagine success, joy and love? Did I read it in a book and forget the stories were not mine?

Did I expire without knowing my sell by date. Is this all that is left of a once promising future?

The tears sting….. They sting because they have been suppressed, "Oh no not I, I am not the one to break down and feel weak" I constantly snap out of moments of regret and self loathing. Everything that felt like second nature , just doesn't come easy anymore.

I keep it all in, my sore heart, my life pains, my flawed memories and when my brain tries to remember I feel a heaviness in my spirit and a tightening in my chest that words cannot articulate.

So the wells gather in my eyes….  and I squint…..The tears sting….But I never let them fall!

Love Me On Purpose...

There is no telling when it will eventually happen, strangers become friends and friends becoming strangers. I've held a million mental images in my head , editing and re-writing how the story ends with you, him or you!

I don't want it if you are not sure, I don't want it if it is not pure. I don't want it if I need to convince you or play games or hide my heart because guarding it is the only way I'm safe around you. I don't want what is not mine, I don't want to even cry- too many false starts and I'm done chasing circles I need you to love me on purpose.

Love me because when you are weak , you can find your strength in me. When you dream you can see your partner is me. When you walk - my hand in yours assures you that you can be all the man you need to be and more, and when we kiss you see the future in my eyes. Love me on Purpose.

Love me intentionally - Choose to hold back my hair when I've had one too many. join me on my knees when I need redemption. Drive me to my healing when I can't find my will, tell me how the world stops when you see me smile, hold me like your life relies on my presence, decide to grow with me until we grow old  ….Love me on Purpose.

Another sad love story...

I can't remember the exact day or year but it had to be circa 2007, we met and hung out with my friend that introduced you as her high school sweetheart (which you later told me was a lie) my most vivid memory during the years that followed was that you always sent me presents through her and I just thought it was really sweet. Sometimes she would talk about you sometimes she would say it was over and during that time we became good friends.

About 4 years later on one of your trips back you called and said you wanted my advice and we spoke for about seven hours non stop in my living room, literally no sleep over a bottle of wine. There was a lot of insight and I guess we bonded that night and we became better friends, I would share my pathetic romantic relationships with me ad you would share yours which in retrospect always involved the women being the one chasing after you.

One time you were around for so long our lives became intertwined. We hung out together, everybody in my life knew about you and vise versa, if we weren't on the phone we were doing stuff together and I could safely say you had sort of become my best friend! You made me feel so loved and appreciated and constantly praised and encouraged me and I grew to lean on you in my weak moments.

You said I deserved the best and I believed you, you offered to pick me up from the airport that one time and I was so touched I even told my mother. Then that evening you were supposed to pick me up but ran late I was at my friend's and you came to get me.Told me someone had tried to hook you guys up at some point so you wanted to meet her, that night you met and couldn't stop talking about her. You were so excited you wanted to be with her but you were letting your current girlfriend down so I advised against it but you insisted and I said I would not be involved in this process but somehow you involved me anyway.

Both calling me talking about eachother and you started a romantic relationship, postponed your trip to spend more time, I withdrew from you and you kept trying to keep me in the loop.Then eventually the night that changed all our lives happened!

To be continued...

Yes or NO?

I asked you today if I should just cut my losses and move on, at some point you said you cared but guess it wasn't strong enough for you to fight for me ....for this!

Every time a conversation remotely sounds serious you avoid it , you will probably face up to the realness with someone it just so happens that someone isn't me after all. I asked you if i should stop trying ...after telling me you are on an induced high (the other excuse) you wrote " I didn't know you were trying" !!! Really? I have just stayed in touch because ex-girlfriends within a month are simply supposed to be over their emotions and be cool "friends"?

I feel like I don't know you anymore but I've done this to myself way too many times, I don't want to assume , I want you to say it mean it and own it! Whatever it is ..... but at least we would both know you actually made a decision.

After all my relentless badgering you finally responded with a "No"....... I will give you some space still   because there is nothing worse than being in an un-wanted position. A man is supposed to fight for what he wants , I need something to believe in again , I need a show of strength!

When love is lost....

In the three years that I haven't been here, one would assume I finally figured this love thing out.... NOT! Well I recently thought I had too, YOU whom I confided in and took as my friend decided you wanted more and for a time it felt right and I was over the moon happy...

I let you have all you wanted and got excited speaking to you everyday, you cared for me you were thoughtful , you became the man in my life and you said you wanted to be . A month with you on your turf was a bit difficult at times because I saw you resist letting "us" flow and got mad at all sorts of things but I figured our friendship would be our play of strength when times got rough...boy was I wrong!

This is the closest I have felt to the emotion of death/ losing someone abruptly, when someone who seemingly cared just does a full 360 and all the emotion is gone, you don't even try to save us , like you are totally un-interested. You refuse to share your feelings and even when you do after I've tried a million things you keep it to the barest minimum and leave me hanging, what did I ever do to you?

I thought my heart had been broken before , this is a whole new level . All I feel is a vacancy, I feel abandoned, I feel like I was placed on a pedestal and had it yanked from under me , I feel lonelier than when I had no one, I feel foolish!

Silly of me to think that I was finally home....why is it so hard for anyone to just say "You are the one I want forever" I am sooo ready yet now , I will always be afraid of being abandoned in my heart.
Lord heal me....

Could this be...

Is it really that easy to fall for someone? When you try hard to resist the way you're feeling...

Your heart has been taught it needs to fight for affection, you need to be deprived and starved for attention...

If he wants you, you have to show him that you want him too...love is not effortless its a battle field!

Why then is he creeping up on me, why is he so brazen with wanting me? Why does he desire to make me happy?

How can he be so sure he knows what he's feeling? What if its just a temporary phase, a fleeting emotion?

Wanting to feel wanted yet unsure of "this" future...why me, why now? Why are u making this so easy???

"EX" Rated

This is probably too much information so you might wanna skip this post...

I was very tense watching you across the table, I saw the way you looked away when I was told the nice things you had done for me in my absence, emotions all over the place yet we both acted calm me pretending to be firm in my decision , You ..not quite sure if there wasn't one last shot.

You decided to go out and amuse yourself but subconsciously kept me updated so I would know you weren't straying, it made me feel better it really did but it also made me miss you more...I counted the hours, I slept, counted some more and slept again! Then I heard the car and knew you were back so I had to act like I was not bothered and still asleep.

Voices..banter...footsteps...then you pushed my door open and saw me wide eyed staring right at you.."Hey" you said, I mumbled a sleepy hello back then you said "well seems we're stuck together" and I smiled silently moving over...thinking (no big deal we'll just sleep anyway)..I was wrong

You decided to break the ice and told me all about your night out, it was interesting I was amused at how you kept touching me to emphasize the movements you were describing (na fanta advert? Lol) still I played dumb and let you speak when you were done I turned my back to you and you put your hand on my waist...I froze ...a million thoughts racing through my mind ( I want him, it feels natural, mostly I ached for that one touch) with more confidence your hand moved up towards my breasts and grabbed an ever ready nipple , it was hard before you touched it my body responds at the sight of you...

I flinch and you ask "Am I harassing you?" You can't see the hot tears welling up in my eyes and I try to still my shaky voice in a whisper I say "Yes" and then while flicking my tautness you ask in that lowered tone that you use when you are drowned in desire "Why aren't you stopping me?" So I pull your hand down and back to my waist "I'm stopping you now"...silence... Again you ask " so what happens when we are thrown into these akward positions?" I say " we gist and then we sleep" but you say "what if we can't?" I continue " we will try"...at this point my pillow is wet from my silent torrent of tears so I get up and go to the bathroom...

As soon as I shut the door I begin to wail, the silent whimpering I'm short of breath but I dare not let you know what you do to me, I'm so weak from loving too hard this was my moment, I was finally standing my ground I was supposed to be moving on because loving you was tearing me apart...but no...you had to touch me!!! Why, Why... Please WHY???

Hoping that you've fallen asleep I quietly enter the room and get back in bed, soon your hand is on my waist again and you ask "Do you want me to stop loving you?" I can swear my heart stopped beating at the possibility that you could!... So still whimpering I ask "Can you stop? You say it like there's a switch you can just turn off" holding me a little tighter you speak " do you want me to love you in another way?" Crying again I say "Yes" then you say the only way to do that will be to totally switch off...fresh tears...fresh pain....thinking silently (this is it but I need to be strong)...

Then you flip me over so effortlessly and force my legs open in one swift movement ... I refuse to open my eyes because the tears have blurred my vision, I want to yell don't do this but my body says otherwise , your lips find mine and the warmth and gentleness of every stroke makes me cry harder, my waist arches towards you and you find my nakedness .. Moist...inviting...ready ...take advantage of me...

And you do,I can feel how much you need me, the urgency in your kiss and then I feel you, my whole body shivers , I feel like our souls are speaking...you're thrusting...I'm grinding..thrust..grind..thrust ...thrust...oour whole relationship flashes right before me and then in a split second you let yourself go...Earth..

Just when I think its over, I'm crying uncontrollably still thinking (why am I so weak) you take me again, more gentle this time, devouring my heated breasts , sucking on my lips like you were searching my very being..passionate...then ...I shudder... You shudder harder... I tighten myself around you I want to feel everything... Then the quiet sets in and you whisper in my ear ..." I LOVE YOU"...the words escape my lips.."I LOVE YOU TOO"...

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