Go Go... GO!

First you miss me then you don't! Then you love me now you won't! I don't believe men get that confused, I honestly feel like you are just being selfish , don't want to feel like you don't control my emotions anymore but should that be your motivation?

If I wanted to think like a woman in love I would assume you try hard but can't live without me but that would be your fault, cause reaching out to me and telling me how you miss me is just wrong,you don't need to be messing with my mind, yes it can be some form of relief , yay! I am missed! But you're probably missing all three of us so why should I feel special? Sometimes I think about u so much dat u call me , probably my subconcious summoning you, you don't even know why!

For the first time today I got a bit mad at this, yep! A week ago if you'd had said you missed me i'd be on a natural high all day, but you know wat? I miss you too! SO WHAT? It doesn't mean much to me anymore, empty words that lack promise, you miss me doesn't mean you going to leave HER or her for that matter! So why are you missing me?because I'm the stupid one dat takes all d stepping on? The one who will shamelessly go weak at d knees at ur touch?

You miss me??? So did you hit ur head? Am I suddenly ur soulmate? Are you going to declare emotions that u can't control anymore and put me outta my misery? If not then DUDE don't be missing me, I want all or nothing now so take a bow and just GO!

S.O.S!!!

Mehn! Women are suffering and its not even a joke, everywhere I turn every blog I read some body's heart just got broken but you know what? We are not ALONE! I can't even believe I've done four days no contact hm mm, yet all my thoughts are still with you, this time they say heals MUST heal me cause I have no place else to go, I've read all the self help books I can and I hear what they are saying but somehow they don't apply when it comes to you, I can't even begin to explain the person I'm becoming right now doing things i didn't believe i was capable of doing I think i must be running mad!!!!

Today I'm alright cause I've been busy then i begin to imagine that filling my days are like a suppressant and no matter how much i occupy my mind there will still be moments when i can't run a way from my mind, what then? Memories flashing, conversations playing back , why do you do this to ME! Is this my punishment for allowing us to happen, when will i stop beating myself up about this, when will i do something productive and get on with my life already? Sometimes there's a glimpse of hope i feel like yep I'm over him i see u and i fall right back , Why???? If you are not mine why do i still care? Or is this just a case of wanting what you know you can't have???

I cant even explain the range of emotions I've been going thru LORD!!! This has to stop , i need to find me back desperately...

The other 'WOMAN'

I watched a show today about this and had mixed feelings about the topic, I've unfortunately been both the woman and the other woman and either way it's not a pretty sight, It's so easy to obsess about the other woman , assume she's the reason he's with you, accept that he loves her and loves you too for different reasons in different ways but who are we fooling? In both situations I've discovered that it remains a big blow to the ego...what's wrong with me? what does she do better than me? where did I go wrong? How UN-desirable could i have suddenly become that would propel him into the arms of another woman? And as the other woman? Why won't he leave her? i don't want to be the reason he leaves her, I don't want to take away her happiness yet I love him so much!

No matter how many times i go over the motions I realise that it's no fun being any of those women, the one he's cheating on and the one he's cheating with ,cause like it or not we are both being cheated, we are cheating ourselves by being with someone who doesn't respect us enough to care about how these actions will hurt our feelings, cheating myself by settling for less and shame on me for sharing another woman's man....BUT, when he declares his love, when he seems so needy like he can't go on without me, like i complete him then he turns round to tell her how he can't live without her cooking, while he's getting the best of both worlds , she gets the 'ideal' world I....get..... 'nothing'! I've found out that women go through mostly the same emotions in this situation, you feel betrayed , devastated, alone, where do i go from here? how do I move on without my soul mate, was he really my soul mate?If he wasn't why did it feel so great and at what point did Mr right become Mr-got -to get-gone?

I've heard how they keep telling us these lies to keep us available , where they want us to be, if he cheated with me he will cheat on me?Is that always the case? Or is he thinking that I'd probably cheat on him too if he tried to get serious?Is that why we can't be in a real relationship? For how long am I going to keep the hope alive? even if he wants to be alone does it mean he wants to be with me?, I also remember hating the other woman and wondering how she could be so heartless, but I'm not heartless i just fell in love with him, and i would never want to hurt you but I am in too deep, How can she look me in the face and smile and then go behind my back for stolen moments....when I look in your face I feel numb, I want what you have but I can only get a fraction so somehow I feel like I haven't entirely robbed you of anything!

Yet every time he beckons I find it hard to resist him, not to believe he's sincere but every time he declares his love , I find it hard to trust him, to believe he's sincere....this is sooo wrong, Why can't we all just be in a happy, realistic for real relationship and be fulfilled, I don't like being the woman that is being cheated on and I don't like being the woman he's cheating with either, I don't want to be called the OTHER!!!!!!!

My heart...my LOVE..

Memories of those special moments keep playing in my head, the truth they say will set you free, I strongly believe this concept is working for us, It's strange how it feels like we both know this is not forever and as much as I would want you to declare un-dying love i have since adjusted to expecting nothing but giving everything , it feels fulfilling, it has no barriers and no baggage, it keeps me sane! finding words to describe how i feel today has been pretty hard , it a mixture of different emotions, did u really reply all my questions? Where are we now? is it back to the program? Do i want to be back to the program and in another 3 weeks start my withdrawal symptons all over again? wish i could call you an addiction but that would be a violation of the beauty of being with you, so maybe i'll stick to calling you my tattoo....that painful art that has been crafted into my skin so hard that it draws blood yet somehow leaves an odd beauty behind, my tattoo adds colour to my skin, gives me sex appeal lol , my tattoo is a part of me and days will go by when i will forget that it is still there then one morning when i'm not in a hurry to get anywhere i look at myself in the mirror and there you are...my tattoo...almost a taboo..

Hmmm, If I feel this way about you then my husband must evoke a thousand more emotions, I am at peace around you, when i'm not worried about the other shes ,it just feels natural, YOU feel natural, sometimes all you have to do is smile at me and i'm beside myself with joy, passion, compassion , an assortment of emotions on a platter, How can I go on suppressing you ? I want to love you with every hair on my skin, evry breath that I take , I know you think i'm being dramatic but baby.....baby?That sounds good too...

Obviously i'm so spaced out I can't even articulate the way i'm feeling , but I like the level of intimacy we're at right now, my love for you is greater than my need for you...and I have mad love for you even when you don't act right!What is meant to be will eventually be....Dear Lord take control!

Thou art ....'WOMAN'!!!

A woman by any other name would have been an injustice, unique as they are, complicated even and yet quite predictable! she knew not what form this transaction would take, yet she felt the same things responded to the same things , didn't even realise how affected she still was or maybe she did? but as the story usually UN-folds the same looks were had, the same vibes had passed, the same silence and impersonality's were feigned, and YES the same fool was had!!!

Woman!!! Indeed by any other name would seem less accurate, why then has nothing changed? No drastic heart-ache , no promises of a future, certain quiet..closure? Is this how u look?feel? Have you finally decided to take her out of her misery? Maybe! Maybe some sanity...finally...She can't even begin to feel left behind, she needs to channel those emotions into something more productive, did she not hear the voices from within? How they strengthened her and yet she heeded the call of the pretender, knowingly, decidedly , threw all caution to the wind and decided that she would go ahead and bear her name...woman...

Undeterred by the consequences, admitting defeat and allowing nature take it's course , it will never be your world but that will not stop you from ruling it..right? As an observer I see no power in letting the lifeless conquer the mind but what is done is done and i can only console and hope that this experience is ..final and this woman is re-newed? Thus i rest my case as she marvels me so, this gem, so tender, so delicate yet so brazen by all other standards finds her weakness in this one moment and embraces it....truly by no other name do you deserve to be called but....WOMAN!!

IT'S NOT REAL??!!!!!

My eyes are glassy as i think about those words deeply, i was talkng to my sister today and she told me look it's not real if you were living in a bubble, it's not real when you can't openly show how you feel, 'when a man loves a woman' sigh....all i can think is DAMN! If it's not real why does it hurt so bad? Why do unreal things purge real emotions? This is not a self esteem issue people i know I deserve better, but it is what it is and I'm just being realistic...Like that Jordin sparks song? He's tattooed on my heart and I'll always have him, but is it worth it letting him know now that I've been told it wasn't real?

What good will it do if i gave him one last chance to reject me? at least i can still save face for now but we all need closure somehow and this absence of that is killing me...I am not made of stone, I cannot believe that it wasn't real!!!!!But was it? I couldn't hold his hand in public, i couldn't be too affectionate, I basically had to sneak around for reasons best known to us but c'mon it wasn't real? I sacrificed another relationship for this because i couldn't stop thinking about him and it wasn't real? He told me from the jump that he couldnt give me a 100% but if he gave me 30% was that real? I'm not the type of woman that settles for less, i don't even believe in sharing but theres that one man in a woman's life that makes a fool of her, was this my one? Ok he was....

I know there are players and all that but if you are not evil, is it too extreme to imagine that for one moment in time our hearts were aligned and for that moment in our lives wat we had was real???HELP I need answers suggestions, i'm throwing it out to as many people who have anything to say, was it possibly real if only for a moment and am i permitted to write him a letter?????