Mixed bouquet!

I can't say I was surprised, been there done that, can't say I was dissappointed, been there done that , just sort of re-assigned or subjected to phase one, but i'm so happy to keep it real, hate it or love it you know how i feel , do as you will, love me if you will and know this though, only so long can our hearts stay entwined if they are not meant to be together...Mo miss e sha!!!LOL

Now You sorta remained within my radar, don't quite know what to make of you yet but you are such a gentlemen, i like the way you take control of situations , the way you don't care for playing that game that much, the way you love that game just like me, and the way you are just as restless but stay focused, I find you rather intrigueing, don't quite know what to expect, do you just wanna be friends? are you trying to see if i'm the one? isn't it a bit too soon for that? I know this though, I could really like you, I would like to get to know you though, and i'm a bit scared at the easy way i put my hand in yours , letting you guide me through the crowd like you were my man...Damn!!! a chick is really a chick..lol! feels good to feel like a girl!

IN YOUR ARMS.....

I'd imagined this moment many times, telling you everything I only dreamt about and YES, it was everything I wished it would be and more....I'd felt like crying so many times before but nothing can compare to the torrent of emotions that came tumbling with the sound of your voice admitting you felt the same way, how did I get so lucky? How did u get so lucky? LOL. You are such a strong man,,,MY MAN( I wish) and that is why I respect you so much, you don't even know how much! I've been beside myself with joy for the past few days giggling at every opportunity and just being plain happy...I LOVE YOU

Some may call me silly or maybe i just exxagerate but how do you explain not being able to cry when your heart is heavy and sour and in need of attention and care? How? But when you held me in your arms and told me how you felt and i knew deep down that was the realest moment ever ??? (You're so amazing when your guard is down ) I cried again...with emotions i did not know existed, I cried because i didnt have to worry anynore that you dont care cos you do....I cried because i thought you never missed me but you do, I cried because I once knew someone who wouldnt fight for my heart who wouldn't know how to tell me that he wanted me in his life, but you reached out to me....YOU....who i think about in every waking moment every night before i sleep...YOU.....who I would be perfectly happy spending the rest of my life with and having your children...YOU......who the mere sight of you gives me wings.....I cried because I LOVE YOU and loving you is beautiful and I want to be in your arms forever .....I feel so at home, at peace fulfilled, when i'm in your arms nothing else matters and i;m not afraid because i know no matter what i will get past whatever may come our way.....Loving you brings possibilties....DAMN

I want to cook for you, clean for you, care for you, cater to you ..I love being in your arms....but I LOVE YOU MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (exhale here)

YOU

You don't have to say anything, your silence has said more..

You don't have to do anything, your ommissions mean much more..

You shouldn't have to feel anything, your hardened heart is frozen...

You don't even remember me? The one you said you loved?

You can't even set me free, that would be too kind to me

You want me where you left me, staunted in love with you,

You need me to get over you but not enuff to say no

You know this will never be but yet the endlessness is killing me!

You want to be thru with me but in your memories i'll always be!

"Feeling" the VOID!!!

Warning!!! Long post....LOL, i've always wanted to say that, Ok i know its been a minute but seeing as i still haven't managed to gather that many readers i didnt feel like anybody would be missing dreamgirl...:(, anyhow..i've had a lot on my mind for a while now and i figured it all boiled down to feeling empty about almost everything!!!Because i don't want to leave anything out i'm gonna just divide em into sections so i can follow thru with my thoughts, here goes.....
1. I love you but i'll never be the one
2. We had love but it would never be enough
3. You love/like/lust after/then just like me but i just really really really want to be ur friend!
4. We are not acquaintances but cant be called friends!
5. the grass is not so green, or at least my view from here...
6. My opinion of the ONLY answer to this madness!!!
7.Sex and the city

I should be a coloumnist i'm telling u...LOL....well buckle up get ur popcorn and tune in to my girly chat show...

(1) I LOVE YOU BUT I'LL NEVER BE THE ONE
This one's a no-brainer cause he is the reason i started this blog in the first place, I've done this to myself far too many times so now its pretty routine! there's never a reason to stay where you are not number one but i can give you fifty, women in love really do have fish brains!!! but you see i still feel somehow in all this mess that love doth conquereth all , and the harsh reality is that it might not be the love i feel for you, it might not be to my benefit because you'll never be mine and i was at a stage once where i felt that it was cool as long as you were happy, isnt that what loving someone is all about? being able to let go, being selfless enough about them to be somewhat content with them just being happy? Well than i lie when i say i'm in love with you cause this cant be what i'm feeling, I want to be with u to the exclusion of all others, i dont want to share you, exclude u from my life and i dont want u to dod that to me either, i have lost my sense of remorse, guilt? i just want to be your baby !!!! Is it not insane that i'm under the illusion that i'm sticking with my man, being faithful not wanting to do anything behind ur back cos fool may care? even if it was with the same person i hurt because of you, i couldnt even bring myself to kiss him NO, my lips r exclusively for you, but urs are not for me and never will be and this is why this madness must STOP.

They say women begin to lose a sense of themselves when they r in love, i have never been an advocate of this and i refuse to begin now, i need ur companionship but it doesnt have to be you, i need to feel loved and protected , but it doesnt have to be by you, i need to have my own fairytale before the idea of love finally gets stamped into my membrane as a mere illusion concocted by those evil tall hatted witches in the wizard of Oz with no sense of style as a way of permenanently torturing romantic single females like me (I digress) but on the real , why is loving somebody so hard so wrong? I've bought a zillion gazzilion books , i am not obsessed i just cant kick this habit of thinking about u in my every waking moment knowing u will never look into my eyes and say "You're the one i love" NEVER??? And my heart tugs at my chest at the thought of that and i just want to cry u out of here sooooooo bad but it wont happen and everything might have a reason but i believe this reason is far spent and i just cant do this anymore...be in love with u? It hurts tooo much and i die inside everytime! see how happy i am for a peck on the lps! this is not the mind of a confident , intelligent, goal oriented female....with you i remain just a girl in love with a boy and it feels...EMPTY....

(2) WE HAD LOVE BUT IT WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH
You , you , You....i've never blogged about you but somehow u found a way to creep in like u always do, you're the one that has given me a cocktail of emotions right from the start, from prospect to he's not that into you to look what the cat dragged oitta the club to love of my life to runaway heart to back where we started to i'm the one to blame to you cant stop letting me down!!!yep u were one helluva cocktail alright! But seeing u made me wonder if love was ever really blind? saw all the things i didnt like right from the beginning then u went and gave me butterflies and till this day you've made me wonder if i was destined to marry u cos of those butterflies...oh cupid!!!Send me new butterflies!!! And then i kinda figured you knew me well enuff for us to have that discussion but i knew i would never ever love u again like that moment , that one moment, it was good for that moment only!!!! how could love takle so much work? surrounded by insecurities and the feeling of wanting more, thinking there must be more to this relationship than this, where is the zing , where are my dreams and will i be miserable if i settled for him? and there is nothing wrong with him but he is not for me then when i see 15 other people ready to jump on the wagon i begin to wonder if i missed something and want to make it work, but the truth is no matter how hard we try somehow it will never work, i dont know why but looking into ur eyes and saying no left me with two feelings only regret for the past and yes....emptiness for the future!

(3)YOU LOVE/LIKE/LUST AFTER.....REALLY WANT TO BE FRIENDS

I guess it was all my fault to begin with, silly drunken kiss that turned into a friendly homie chase, now i confused u, u never had a chance i dont love u, not that way but i've always loved your mind and the way you so eloquently know me to the point of annoyance and u sometimes sound like my inner voice and i would like to tell you so much more but u had to complicate it all byt thinking you fell in love with me then trying to fall out of love with me all the while taking my friend away from me who is really all i wanted, i thought we'd grow old together and laugh about my youthful days and childish ways and wanting to be owned etc while we baby sat our grand children and our spouses knew we couldnt do without our ever so english chatter, but no earl tea for u and me, you think i'm too much work most of the time and i really cant play that male/female banter with u cos i sthink u are a higher being and cant seem to understand why u would even consider playing such games , i'm ur FRIEND, nothing more and i just want to have that and not feel like i'm usining u as therapy or an interim phone pal till i find the one, dont want u to feel used either, dont want to lose my friend bit y did u go and get serious on me/ you know i love my lover and as much as i'm trying to not love him so much i would nevver love u that way so cant we just drop the extras and sometimes static converstations cos i realy like spending time with you even if you help me stamp out that crazy mind of mine that keeps yelling 'u love ur lover u love ur lover quick start another topic use him to get him off ur mind"...i'm terribly sorry and when u go away the way u do and i dont have my friend to open up to i feel VERY lonely and extremely empty...

(4) WE ARE NOT ACQUAINTANCES BUT CANT BE CALLED FRIENDS

It's amazing how things look so good from afar off and u get a little closer still blinded by the image u sooo pleasantly concocted, even allow urself to grow in this fantasy only tpo be told to pull the dge of ur skirt click ur heels and disaappear far away before u get stuck in the opposite of OZ (forgive my obsession with dorothy's life..lol) Well i really thought you could be the one for now i guess i'd need to know u a little more to know if u were the one, but somehow u seem to keep in touch seem to be somewhere within my radar but you dont strike as someone that wants to get to know ME! you know next to nothing about me and i wonder if you are not curious? i remember how crushes ar and how i would always want to know the babsics like wat foods do u like, wat makes u laugh wat is ur favourite colour? Plus all the seasons of nature think you are not good for me wbut i wish i at least could walk away knowing that i knew you enough to not want you instaed of this antio climax of knowing u more than a random friend and still not knowing you enuff to be myself enuff around you...this really sucks!!!!!

(5) THE GRASS IS NOT SO GREEN...FROM HERE

okay so i'm all for good, even great relationships, but its no fun being a third leg or feeling like one, have u ever been around people that make u feel like theres a glass wall thick enuff for you to see it engraved in gold "Private, no entries please"???? Yep that kind and it piffs me to no end, i know i want to be in my own cocoon but i'm a very open and accomodating person and would ;love to have peopel around us but will also have time outside of that cocoon to have a friendship without hiccups...i'm so not happy about this and know this is wrong to feel thos way but i'm only human and it would be great to not feel like ..hey look wat u should be like , being single aint pretty missy...go sit in the single corner (walking to it rolling my eyes)...LONELY!

(6)THE ONLY ANSWER TO MY MADNESS

Well if you haven't figured out by now that my personal saviour Jesus Christ is the only on ethat can cure my madness and fill this void, if i would just dedicate as much time as i did to these worldly thots of mine then maybe i'd be a lot happier, i therefore reccomend, implore every one reading this blog do not i repeat DO NOT EVER NEGLECT YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR MAKER, he is that daily nurturing we all need and that joy that is in0describable and i find myself struggling with this all the time and feel bad that its only when i'm sad i remember to call on him and get so self involved sometimes i dont acknowledge his prescence...PLEASE FORGIVE ME LORD I WILL CONTINUE TO SEEK YOUR FACE AND LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING ANYONE ABSOLUTELY BECAUSE YOU ARE THE REASON I AM BREATHING AND THE ONLY ONE WHO TRULY UNDERSTANDS THAT MY PURPOSE IS NOT CENTERED AROUND ANY MAN.....I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH PLEASE DONT GIVE UP ON ME....AMEN

(7) SEX AND THE CITY

Ok please dont think i'm totally bonkers, but finally watched the movie and being the romantic that i am i really loved it and i'm about to start watching the series from season one....anybody wanna join me????? toodles for now!!!!

p.s forgive the typos....

Tongue in cheek???

Not only men can break your heart, people in general do it on the daily, Maybe i'm even guilty of doing it too , how manyy times have we said things without thinking, laughed at other people and justified it because well? they were laughable??? i'm rather hurt right now but this too shall pass, sometimes i wonder how thick your skin needs to get and if its some process of "coming of age" and at what point does it ever stop?

If you want to pay a compliment pay it, if you want to debit an insult go staraight ahead, but i'm sick of all the hypocritical oxymorons, JUST DO IT, no sugar coating , no sacarstic remarks then maybe we can all deal with the honesty or PHD behind it at least we'll sleep better knowing it is what it is!!!!!!

I was gonna vent but it just isn't worth it anymore , to each man his own, its just a gift and a curse this darn ****hole that everybody's got called an opinion.....God help US all!!!

illusionary high!

Ok so i'm thinking this is just an illusion ' it must be... All this contentment is not quite wat I'm used to, extra attention, declarations which cannot be faulted guess its by default, let's just let it ride, enjoy it while we can right? Who is to say these affections aren't dying a natural death already?

I suppose I'm a bit confused at this sudden surge of happiness, nothing to worry about or is there? Should I be detaching myself in readiness for the eventual seperation? I really don't know, yet I keep getting the idea that the change dat so often comes my way is almost here, I used to dread it, cry my heart out, stay gloomy and try to figure it all out but alas! My friend change... You remain faithful!

Lately I've thought of ways to work on me for me, I want my drive back, I want to see the vision clearly, where am I headed? Where is that excitement that spurs me on? I've been so afraid of everything, I've been afraid of being afraid, I get the feeling fear is a mere distraction so go on, just do it, but somehow the situation lacks method, where is th incentive, where do I belong? Do I constantly merge my dreams with my heart? C'mon Dreamgirl you know better!

I need a plan, I have goals already and I've been in the fantasy world that we can achieve them together, but no personal goals are just that... Personal! And so I need to find where I belong, stop feeling alone, neglected, un-important, am I trying to be accepted by the rong people? I may genuinely like them but dat doesn't mean they have to reciprocate, where are MY friends?? Where do I belong? When will my morning come? When will I feel refreshed?

Substance is key and I need you Lord right now, show me this truth, show me my path according to your will, where my joys reside and where I belong I am trusting you, and as for my heart? You will be remembered but I need only one map right now... The one that leads me to re-discovering myself!

P.s don't you feel sometimes that our visions and experiences are like getting a pedicure? Lol, shedding off old skin constantly and revealing a smooth new you!

Go Go... GO!

First you miss me then you don't! Then you love me now you won't! I don't believe men get that confused, I honestly feel like you are just being selfish , don't want to feel like you don't control my emotions anymore but should that be your motivation?

If I wanted to think like a woman in love I would assume you try hard but can't live without me but that would be your fault, cause reaching out to me and telling me how you miss me is just wrong,you don't need to be messing with my mind, yes it can be some form of relief , yay! I am missed! But you're probably missing all three of us so why should I feel special? Sometimes I think about u so much dat u call me , probably my subconcious summoning you, you don't even know why!

For the first time today I got a bit mad at this, yep! A week ago if you'd had said you missed me i'd be on a natural high all day, but you know wat? I miss you too! SO WHAT? It doesn't mean much to me anymore, empty words that lack promise, you miss me doesn't mean you going to leave HER or her for that matter! So why are you missing me?because I'm the stupid one dat takes all d stepping on? The one who will shamelessly go weak at d knees at ur touch?

You miss me??? So did you hit ur head? Am I suddenly ur soulmate? Are you going to declare emotions that u can't control anymore and put me outta my misery? If not then DUDE don't be missing me, I want all or nothing now so take a bow and just GO!