Whatever Moments ....

I told you I couldn't believe a word you said anymore, how did we become that? You say you love me so much
Yet you betray me without a thought! I'm no saint, never said I was. But twice I slipped
Cos I thought what your actions were saying is that WE are through! I've been alone so
Many times in this realtionship and all I wanted was for you to see me...REALLY see me!

And the times you acted like you did see me I didn't believe you because you had mastered the
Art of pretending like your distractions were really nothing but I FEEL different! Why should love hurt
This much? And you act like it bothers you but D minutes you're ready to raise another skirt?
Is that love?

Yesterday for the first time even though I couldn't say it out loud I wrote that I couldn't do tis anymore
I thought I was strong enough to keep taking the emotional punches, the pain never stops its just
A momentary high and my resolve has weakened I am not a hard woman...NO .. I am not superwoman not with you
At so many other things I'm in control I'm capable but you've broken down my every wall
I am now so vulnerable, weak, afraid, insecure, paranoid!!! I don't like this woman! I don't want to be a mess
Just because I fell in love I don't want to become a shadow!

You do what you do because you can, I tried to be you but I really can't! I compare every word
Every gesture, I even miss your snoring when I hear quiet! But so far since yesterday every tear that has
Tried to make an appearance falls back and is stuck in my eyes, why? Does it know something I don't? Is the end
Of US a beginning I should be happy to embrace? I took myself out of the equation so I don't
Have to feel the pain when you inevitably betray me again, if you owe me nothing
Then I will feel nothing... At least that's my logic ! Gosh so its finally over?
FOUR YEARS!!!! I can feel how removed from reality I am right now my words are struggling
To make sense. I love you I always will but our "whatever" moments have drowned what was...

Speechless.....

Two days ago I wrote a post I couldn't post, fate knew the story wasn't ready,Two days ago I felt it was for the right reasons but nemesis had a twist awaiting meI've never hated the ability to love no that's a gift but the stiffness in my chestMeans the pain is ever present! I suffer in silence and I'm drowning in the air aroundMe! Nobody understands how could they? They don't even know , where is the woman soFull of life so confident so sure? I refuse to accept this legacy of heartbreak but rightNow I know no different....I'm staring at this words as I write them and I feel like I'veBeen drugged, pain, memories,regret, betrayal,I see your eyes I remember the smell ofHer and I knew! Like I always know WHY WHY WHy, my soul is wailing I'm shaken toMy core but I can't utter a word, WHY? How do I care so much, why does this feel like a curse? Even if you were man enough toAdmit it, would it make a difference? You can't undo what has been done, I can un knowWat I know, I can't breathe , I can't think I have no one to hold me I have no one!You were supposed to be my rock, the smile at the corner of my lips I lived with uOn borrowed time I loved you like a fool giving no thought to building my life withoutYou, I gave u too much, I'm all spent...

Shades of grey...

I have thought about you a few times and didnt mind getting to know you, didnt mind being a part of your life forever ,but somehow I cant be that person right now, you probably will never understand and somewhere you will be watching me and wishing i would reconsider! I love you but love is not always enough, forgive me in advance for the things i might do to you that even I am not sure of yet but know this....You will always be in my heart!!!!

Again And Again...

The most confusing thing is to not know exactly how I feel, have I let you go? Was I about to? Am I mad because you seem to be doing it better than me? Should I be relieved that life goes on? Yet sad that I seem to be living a lonely one? I can't explain everything I'm feeling, resentment, guilt, confusion , hurt!

I should be all too familiar with these methods tho, the silence! I've been here, the distance I've been there , the loneliness? I live here! Asking everytime why you won't just put me out of my misery but you deny me closure maybe to save yourself from looking me in the eye? You are right in a sense and I don't want your pity! Neither do I want to be treated like a bad habit!

I can't explain what is left of what I felt or if its still real because the erratic mood swings just exhaust me, I'm emotionally raw and I find my thoughts of you have become a staple in the closet of my conciousness ... Ever present , and I can't seem to shake you...

Heart break hotel!

it didn't seem deserted, in fact a lot of people happen to go here, I hear its very popular, women of all ages and some men too, the face said to me "you'll be in good company here some people like to talk some listen some cry or hold you when you cry, and every room has a shelf of all the sad love songs you need , we never run out of tissue and you can have as many sim cards as you want, anonymous phone calls are so last season!"

I looked around, sure enough it was adequate, a little corner of my own, one bed , pillows they even knew his favourite perfume! It was on the bed laying right next to his shirt, the face spoke again " I didn't wash the shirt so it wouldn't lose his DNA but feel free to spray on more of his perfume so you can feel like he's here when you wear it to bed at night, the tears come faster that way!" damn I thought , there was also a table and chair by the wall with loads of paper and a box of pens , the face continued "those as you can see are for writing him letters, you can do that everyday while you're in here, most people do that before the tears in the morning , it makes it more intense"

I also noticed the CD rack evetthing was well planned out , I turned round to see the door to the bathroom, in there it seemed someone had chronicled our entire relationship, pictures, conversations, dates everything embedded in the bathroom tiles there's no getting away now!

Yes, I think I have all I need, no food no water maybe some vodka , how do I pay I asked the face? " a broken heart will be sufficient miss" and how long can I stay? For as long as you want provided you stay broken!" well dear diary... I checked in this morning!

Almost doesn't count.....

The tears have become my bestfriend, knowing when to stop , keeping my secrets....none of this is new to me, i knew before i knew and i boasted to myself that i would get over the pain and do it all over again if i could...well i didnt anticipate that my heart would fall ill , it aches it cries it stifles it basically remains in constant pain! what am i afraid of? Why do we even fall in love? Why does it hurt so bad still? i am not going to lie to myself anymore...not going to paint you as a saint to make the fantasies more romantic,,,,dude u played me period!!!!!

How could you trivialise something that means so much to me?how could you not see that i give everything to you? guess its my fault for doing that though , i knew the deal but yet i let my heart fall deep and my head roll tumbling after..Lord help me heal! sometimes the tears well up so much but its too painful to cry and you! you? all you do is act like there is nothing underneath the look on my face , its always been a lose lose for me and here you are smiling all the way....i hate to believe that i was happy being second maybe even fifth best , but having to move on this way makes everything seem really worthless....i almost loved you for the rest of my life but ......

Say Something?

Is it in the open ended questions or the indirect acknowledgement? Have you already told me what I need to know or am I refusing to face the truth? I've asked you before but you keep making excuses...

I need to know what you are not saying? Is it finally over? Have you made up ur mind about the future, do you think if you don't tell me i'll just figure it out and go away? Is it this space tearing this apart, am I over reacting again? I need guidance, I need to know what to do!