Almost doesn't count.....

The tears have become my bestfriend, knowing when to stop , keeping my secrets....none of this is new to me, i knew before i knew and i boasted to myself that i would get over the pain and do it all over again if i could...well i didnt anticipate that my heart would fall ill , it aches it cries it stifles it basically remains in constant pain! what am i afraid of? Why do we even fall in love? Why does it hurt so bad still? i am not going to lie to myself anymore...not going to paint you as a saint to make the fantasies more romantic,,,,dude u played me period!!!!!

How could you trivialise something that means so much to me?how could you not see that i give everything to you? guess its my fault for doing that though , i knew the deal but yet i let my heart fall deep and my head roll tumbling after..Lord help me heal! sometimes the tears well up so much but its too painful to cry and you! you? all you do is act like there is nothing underneath the look on my face , its always been a lose lose for me and here you are smiling all the way....i hate to believe that i was happy being second maybe even fifth best , but having to move on this way makes everything seem really worthless....i almost loved you for the rest of my life but ......

Say Something?

Is it in the open ended questions or the indirect acknowledgement? Have you already told me what I need to know or am I refusing to face the truth? I've asked you before but you keep making excuses...

I need to know what you are not saying? Is it finally over? Have you made up ur mind about the future, do you think if you don't tell me i'll just figure it out and go away? Is it this space tearing this apart, am I over reacting again? I need guidance, I need to know what to do!

undecided!

My love!I'm in that space again, wanting to go but needing a reason to knowing full well I should just step! Why wait for a reason when the reason would do more damage than good? Yet my optimism makes a mockery of me, stay ke? Are you suicidal? But I'm happy! I lie I'm confused, confused about what the future has in store for me, where is the love of my life if you are not him? I want you to be him but really must I give you up to truly know?

Can't help wondering from time to time, staying happy with just 'bring' but sometimes I can't help wondering if its all worth it! I lie again... I know I would do it all again in a new York minute but baby don't I deserve more?

To you my dearest...

My heart has ached for you without season and I am constantly thrown into confusion by the emotions I feel for you, your words today touched my soul and I knew I wanted "that" too as silly as it sounded, our love seems to defy all reason yet I would continue to give my arm if you ever needed it!Is fate so cruel that it would play such a game?? Pray tell? What is so wrong about our names entwining' could it be a taboo? For what purpose is this phase that we remain en-fixed with? Too many questions yet no answer seems befitting , little wonder love was never meant to be defined!

I rummage through the archives of great romances and picture maybe once we were one of them in another life time , or how do we explain this magic that we share sometimes complex, sometimes painful, sometimes perfect but ever so rare? You bring a smile to my face even when I detest your actions and stay blinded to your imperfections (sometimes) but I can't deny what my heart feels when I'm with you, can't deny that I can't replace you it is not that simple, I look into your eyes and I see a leader, a comforter, a lover, a brother, a man that I pledge undying love to... I see YOU!

Please tell me there is a happy ending, please tell me we won't grow out of each other, please tell me I will not be forgotten , please tell me I am not alone! Please tell me that I will be able to find happiness should you decide what haunts me daily! You have broken me no doubt, I have no defences for you even when I feign withdrawal to gain perspective.

I hope someday to share our tale to my children's children, to give hope that true love exists , to be able to smile in our memory, maybe to share a memory that will forever consummate our time together , I have since let go of the passion in my veins that makes no sense to me but I allow it free reign because my love Le coeur a ses raisons que la raison ne connait point (the heart has its reasons, of which reason knows nothing) I will love you forever...

No sustitute!!!!

I thought about you today and i smiled , not because I dont always think about you and smile but because i realised i got it BAD!!!!! Damn homie, I compare everybody to you nobody comes close, your smile your words your personality , your intelligence the way you make me feel , you keep me intellectually stimulated and i get bored easy so its no easy feat.....I thought about you today and realised a man like you is hard to come by, no surprises there!!!!! You mean a lot to me and I wont be giving you up anytime soon , My heart is hopelessly devoted to you and i'm loving it.....

sure!!! you piss me off a lot, but i like having you to be pissed off about, imagine what you did?????Didnt you consider for one moment it would hurt me, am i that oblivous to the facts??Then you had to go and rub my face in it??? I thought I could pretend and just not react but you know how i get and i resisted and just before i was about to give in you came thru...that is why i love you, you dodnt act right all the time but when you do you always make up for the past and the present and sometimes the future..lol....

I love loving you and dont want to be a substitute lover cause there is no substitue for you in my heart you are my long term plan.....

PRIORITY LIST

Hey it's been a minute!!! this is an old post but I still wanna put it up........

it ususally begins with a scale of preference, things i absolutely need check!Things i might be running out of soon check!, things that would entertain my guests check! things that I might possibly need later check! Things that suddenly catch my fancy (miscellenous)Check!Any randoms????? Ok so my guess is as good as yours, when you went shopping today i definitely wasnt something you "abolutely needed" Check!!!! I wasnt something that you even forgot to buy and ran all the way back to the store cos u were so mad at urself for forgetting the "main2 reason you went shopping in the first place!!Dude that just aint cool, its not even cool that i do this repeatedly, you remain my worst habit ever but why??what exactly is it with you? to be true is just not you? dont even want to hear you say anything causehearing you lie to me would be the stone cherry on this mud ass cake, if i really wanted to be part time i'm sure i would have been better working in the check out line{YEP), liquor store or doing shifts at the bar!

How can someone split themselves in three? take whole profits and still not give commessurate didvidends? make promises that cant be taken to the bank , better yet cant even be taken as promises,what good is a man without his word? Wait..my bad...what goes around comes like a thief in the night, kickingthe door in , no announcements neccessary right back round, didnt even neen a thereapist for this one...this mome nt dare i say is actually very symbolic...but i'm not switching the channel just yet even sad movies get a befitting ending...

Another sad love song...

And its breaking my brains like crazy that's why I'm all torn up inside, I know I have a big heart that should be a good thing right? Bout it means it hurts twice as hard, who is this woman who sees thru your lies and loves you no less? ME. Who is this woman that wants to be acknowledged, loved, adored, touched fondly and treated like ur better half? ME. Why does it always feel like no matter how hard and fast I run at this race panting with exhaustion , hopeful cos there seems to be no one catching up and looking into your eyes and visualizing the eventual prize only to get to the finish line to discover someone started way ahead of me!

They say women who love the same man have a bitter kind of freemasonry, I couldn't agree. More, look how we flock together like his personal choir and he waves his arms as if to conduct our lives, emotions friendships? Ever so present in his harem not two but three and yet he fools is all, loving me loving u and YOU? Is that truly possible? Am I going against all I believe in settling for second best? Is ur middle name ma binu? At least if this was a reality show I would know we were doing it for sensationslity sake!"secrets of d sand", "rose", "young and restless" name them we are quite the team aren't we?

This roller coaster ride really sucks!And I still can't figure out why we bother holding on? I'm not the one for you, there is no forever but my heart feels dis connected when its not loving you, how did you become my best friend? Its funny how I know you more than you can ever imagine, maybe that's why you love me, you feel like you met your match but why do you want to keep stringing me along? I know this will continue to hurt and I might dare to say you are my true love but I won't call you my "the one" cos if I don't marry you and I can bet I won't then my husband will take that title lol! Damn! You make my emotions hop around like a yo yo, one minute I'm mad beyond redemption and d next I'm just ... Ok! Hmmmm my love my pain! My endless love !