Again And Again...

The most confusing thing is to not know exactly how I feel, have I let you go? Was I about to? Am I mad because you seem to be doing it better than me? Should I be relieved that life goes on? Yet sad that I seem to be living a lonely one? I can't explain everything I'm feeling, resentment, guilt, confusion , hurt!

I should be all too familiar with these methods tho, the silence! I've been here, the distance I've been there , the loneliness? I live here! Asking everytime why you won't just put me out of my misery but you deny me closure maybe to save yourself from looking me in the eye? You are right in a sense and I don't want your pity! Neither do I want to be treated like a bad habit!

I can't explain what is left of what I felt or if its still real because the erratic mood swings just exhaust me, I'm emotionally raw and I find my thoughts of you have become a staple in the closet of my conciousness ... Ever present , and I can't seem to shake you...

Heart break hotel!

it didn't seem deserted, in fact a lot of people happen to go here, I hear its very popular, women of all ages and some men too, the face said to me "you'll be in good company here some people like to talk some listen some cry or hold you when you cry, and every room has a shelf of all the sad love songs you need , we never run out of tissue and you can have as many sim cards as you want, anonymous phone calls are so last season!"

I looked around, sure enough it was adequate, a little corner of my own, one bed , pillows they even knew his favourite perfume! It was on the bed laying right next to his shirt, the face spoke again " I didn't wash the shirt so it wouldn't lose his DNA but feel free to spray on more of his perfume so you can feel like he's here when you wear it to bed at night, the tears come faster that way!" damn I thought , there was also a table and chair by the wall with loads of paper and a box of pens , the face continued "those as you can see are for writing him letters, you can do that everyday while you're in here, most people do that before the tears in the morning , it makes it more intense"

I also noticed the CD rack evetthing was well planned out , I turned round to see the door to the bathroom, in there it seemed someone had chronicled our entire relationship, pictures, conversations, dates everything embedded in the bathroom tiles there's no getting away now!

Yes, I think I have all I need, no food no water maybe some vodka , how do I pay I asked the face? " a broken heart will be sufficient miss" and how long can I stay? For as long as you want provided you stay broken!" well dear diary... I checked in this morning!

Almost doesn't count.....

The tears have become my bestfriend, knowing when to stop , keeping my secrets....none of this is new to me, i knew before i knew and i boasted to myself that i would get over the pain and do it all over again if i could...well i didnt anticipate that my heart would fall ill , it aches it cries it stifles it basically remains in constant pain! what am i afraid of? Why do we even fall in love? Why does it hurt so bad still? i am not going to lie to myself anymore...not going to paint you as a saint to make the fantasies more romantic,,,,dude u played me period!!!!!

How could you trivialise something that means so much to me?how could you not see that i give everything to you? guess its my fault for doing that though , i knew the deal but yet i let my heart fall deep and my head roll tumbling after..Lord help me heal! sometimes the tears well up so much but its too painful to cry and you! you? all you do is act like there is nothing underneath the look on my face , its always been a lose lose for me and here you are smiling all the way....i hate to believe that i was happy being second maybe even fifth best , but having to move on this way makes everything seem really worthless....i almost loved you for the rest of my life but ......

Say Something?

Is it in the open ended questions or the indirect acknowledgement? Have you already told me what I need to know or am I refusing to face the truth? I've asked you before but you keep making excuses...

I need to know what you are not saying? Is it finally over? Have you made up ur mind about the future, do you think if you don't tell me i'll just figure it out and go away? Is it this space tearing this apart, am I over reacting again? I need guidance, I need to know what to do!

undecided!

My love!I'm in that space again, wanting to go but needing a reason to knowing full well I should just step! Why wait for a reason when the reason would do more damage than good? Yet my optimism makes a mockery of me, stay ke? Are you suicidal? But I'm happy! I lie I'm confused, confused about what the future has in store for me, where is the love of my life if you are not him? I want you to be him but really must I give you up to truly know?

Can't help wondering from time to time, staying happy with just 'bring' but sometimes I can't help wondering if its all worth it! I lie again... I know I would do it all again in a new York minute but baby don't I deserve more?

To you my dearest...

My heart has ached for you without season and I am constantly thrown into confusion by the emotions I feel for you, your words today touched my soul and I knew I wanted "that" too as silly as it sounded, our love seems to defy all reason yet I would continue to give my arm if you ever needed it!Is fate so cruel that it would play such a game?? Pray tell? What is so wrong about our names entwining' could it be a taboo? For what purpose is this phase that we remain en-fixed with? Too many questions yet no answer seems befitting , little wonder love was never meant to be defined!

I rummage through the archives of great romances and picture maybe once we were one of them in another life time , or how do we explain this magic that we share sometimes complex, sometimes painful, sometimes perfect but ever so rare? You bring a smile to my face even when I detest your actions and stay blinded to your imperfections (sometimes) but I can't deny what my heart feels when I'm with you, can't deny that I can't replace you it is not that simple, I look into your eyes and I see a leader, a comforter, a lover, a brother, a man that I pledge undying love to... I see YOU!

Please tell me there is a happy ending, please tell me we won't grow out of each other, please tell me I will not be forgotten , please tell me I am not alone! Please tell me that I will be able to find happiness should you decide what haunts me daily! You have broken me no doubt, I have no defences for you even when I feign withdrawal to gain perspective.

I hope someday to share our tale to my children's children, to give hope that true love exists , to be able to smile in our memory, maybe to share a memory that will forever consummate our time together , I have since let go of the passion in my veins that makes no sense to me but I allow it free reign because my love Le coeur a ses raisons que la raison ne connait point (the heart has its reasons, of which reason knows nothing) I will love you forever...

No sustitute!!!!

I thought about you today and i smiled , not because I dont always think about you and smile but because i realised i got it BAD!!!!! Damn homie, I compare everybody to you nobody comes close, your smile your words your personality , your intelligence the way you make me feel , you keep me intellectually stimulated and i get bored easy so its no easy feat.....I thought about you today and realised a man like you is hard to come by, no surprises there!!!!! You mean a lot to me and I wont be giving you up anytime soon , My heart is hopelessly devoted to you and i'm loving it.....

sure!!! you piss me off a lot, but i like having you to be pissed off about, imagine what you did?????Didnt you consider for one moment it would hurt me, am i that oblivous to the facts??Then you had to go and rub my face in it??? I thought I could pretend and just not react but you know how i get and i resisted and just before i was about to give in you came thru...that is why i love you, you dodnt act right all the time but when you do you always make up for the past and the present and sometimes the future..lol....

I love loving you and dont want to be a substitute lover cause there is no substitue for you in my heart you are my long term plan.....