PROOF OF LIFE

 

The Ides of March, Even after eight years it's like there is something in the air around this time of year.

I don't have a story of heartbreak today just one of reflection. I have lived a colorful life and I recognize that some things have remained a constant. A void only God can fill!

Just wanted to let you know, that I am alive, I am well, and I am still believing in things yet unseen because living fully - required the past, and whatever I do with the future, will reward it!

I do have an open wound from 2018... someday I will share it for healing! Till then, y'all continue to have the audacity of hope!

xx

Naked!

The tears sting, not because of my mascara either I just washed my face.

Walking around looking at myself like an out of body experience, wondering where my life went and how long I would stay in this slumber. was it all a dream?

Did I dream up the hopes and relief that at times made me feel like I had escaped this feeling of constant entrapment? That I would be the one that did good, irrespective of all the shit i've been through?

Did I imagine success, joy and love? Did I read it in a book and forget the stories were not mine?

Did I expire without knowing my sell by date. Is this all that is left of a once promising future?

The tears sting….. They sting because they have been suppressed, "Oh no not I, I am not the one to break down and feel weak" I constantly snap out of moments of regret and self loathing. Everything that felt like second nature , just doesn't come easy anymore.

I keep it all in, my sore heart, my life pains, my flawed memories and when my brain tries to remember I feel a heaviness in my spirit and a tightening in my chest that words cannot articulate.

So the wells gather in my eyes….  and I squint…..The tears sting….But I never let them fall!

Love Me On Purpose...

There is no telling when it will eventually happen, strangers become friends and friends becoming strangers. I've held a million mental images in my head , editing and re-writing how the story ends with you, him or you!

I don't want it if you are not sure, I don't want it if it is not pure. I don't want it if I need to convince you or play games or hide my heart because guarding it is the only way I'm safe around you. I don't want what is not mine, I don't want to even cry- too many false starts and I'm done chasing circles I need you to love me on purpose.

Love me because when you are weak , you can find your strength in me. When you dream you can see your partner is me. When you walk - my hand in yours assures you that you can be all the man you need to be and more, and when we kiss you see the future in my eyes. Love me on Purpose.

Love me intentionally - Choose to hold back my hair when I've had one too many. join me on my knees when I need redemption. Drive me to my healing when I can't find my will, tell me how the world stops when you see me smile, hold me like your life relies on my presence, decide to grow with me until we grow old  ….Love me on Purpose.

Another sad love story...

I can't remember the exact day or year but it had to be circa 2007, we met and hung out with my friend that introduced you as her high school sweetheart (which you later told me was a lie) my most vivid memory during the years that followed was that you always sent me presents through her and I just thought it was really sweet. Sometimes she would talk about you sometimes she would say it was over and during that time we became good friends.

About 4 years later on one of your trips back you called and said you wanted my advice and we spoke for about seven hours non stop in my living room, literally no sleep over a bottle of wine. There was a lot of insight and I guess we bonded that night and we became better friends, I would share my pathetic romantic relationships with me ad you would share yours which in retrospect always involved the women being the one chasing after you.

One time you were around for so long our lives became intertwined. We hung out together, everybody in my life knew about you and vise versa, if we weren't on the phone we were doing stuff together and I could safely say you had sort of become my best friend! You made me feel so loved and appreciated and constantly praised and encouraged me and I grew to lean on you in my weak moments.

You said I deserved the best and I believed you, you offered to pick me up from the airport that one time and I was so touched I even told my mother. Then that evening you were supposed to pick me up but ran late I was at my friend's and you came to get me.Told me someone had tried to hook you guys up at some point so you wanted to meet her, that night you met and couldn't stop talking about her. You were so excited you wanted to be with her but you were letting your current girlfriend down so I advised against it but you insisted and I said I would not be involved in this process but somehow you involved me anyway.

Both calling me talking about eachother and you started a romantic relationship, postponed your trip to spend more time, I withdrew from you and you kept trying to keep me in the loop.Then eventually the night that changed all our lives happened!

To be continued...

Yes or NO?

I asked you today if I should just cut my losses and move on, at some point you said you cared but guess it wasn't strong enough for you to fight for me ....for this!

Every time a conversation remotely sounds serious you avoid it , you will probably face up to the realness with someone it just so happens that someone isn't me after all. I asked you if i should stop trying ...after telling me you are on an induced high (the other excuse) you wrote " I didn't know you were trying" !!! Really? I have just stayed in touch because ex-girlfriends within a month are simply supposed to be over their emotions and be cool "friends"?

I feel like I don't know you anymore but I've done this to myself way too many times, I don't want to assume , I want you to say it mean it and own it! Whatever it is ..... but at least we would both know you actually made a decision.

After all my relentless badgering you finally responded with a "No"....... I will give you some space still   because there is nothing worse than being in an un-wanted position. A man is supposed to fight for what he wants , I need something to believe in again , I need a show of strength!

When love is lost....

In the three years that I haven't been here, one would assume I finally figured this love thing out.... NOT! Well I recently thought I had too, YOU whom I confided in and took as my friend decided you wanted more and for a time it felt right and I was over the moon happy...

I let you have all you wanted and got excited speaking to you everyday, you cared for me you were thoughtful , you became the man in my life and you said you wanted to be . A month with you on your turf was a bit difficult at times because I saw you resist letting "us" flow and got mad at all sorts of things but I figured our friendship would be our play of strength when times got rough...boy was I wrong!

This is the closest I have felt to the emotion of death/ losing someone abruptly, when someone who seemingly cared just does a full 360 and all the emotion is gone, you don't even try to save us , like you are totally un-interested. You refuse to share your feelings and even when you do after I've tried a million things you keep it to the barest minimum and leave me hanging, what did I ever do to you?

I thought my heart had been broken before , this is a whole new level . All I feel is a vacancy, I feel abandoned, I feel like I was placed on a pedestal and had it yanked from under me , I feel lonelier than when I had no one, I feel foolish!

Silly of me to think that I was finally home....why is it so hard for anyone to just say "You are the one I want forever" I am sooo ready yet now , I will always be afraid of being abandoned in my heart.
Lord heal me....

Could this be...

Is it really that easy to fall for someone? When you try hard to resist the way you're feeling...

Your heart has been taught it needs to fight for affection, you need to be deprived and starved for attention...

If he wants you, you have to show him that you want him too...love is not effortless its a battle field!

Why then is he creeping up on me, why is he so brazen with wanting me? Why does he desire to make me happy?

How can he be so sure he knows what he's feeling? What if its just a temporary phase, a fleeting emotion?

Wanting to feel wanted yet unsure of "this" future...why me, why now? Why are u making this so easy???

"EX" Rated

This is probably too much information so you might wanna skip this post...

I was very tense watching you across the table, I saw the way you looked away when I was told the nice things you had done for me in my absence, emotions all over the place yet we both acted calm me pretending to be firm in my decision , You ..not quite sure if there wasn't one last shot.

You decided to go out and amuse yourself but subconsciously kept me updated so I would know you weren't straying, it made me feel better it really did but it also made me miss you more...I counted the hours, I slept, counted some more and slept again! Then I heard the car and knew you were back so I had to act like I was not bothered and still asleep.

Voices..banter...footsteps...then you pushed my door open and saw me wide eyed staring right at you.."Hey" you said, I mumbled a sleepy hello back then you said "well seems we're stuck together" and I smiled silently moving over...thinking (no big deal we'll just sleep anyway)..I was wrong

You decided to break the ice and told me all about your night out, it was interesting I was amused at how you kept touching me to emphasize the movements you were describing (na fanta advert? Lol) still I played dumb and let you speak when you were done I turned my back to you and you put your hand on my waist...I froze ...a million thoughts racing through my mind ( I want him, it feels natural, mostly I ached for that one touch) with more confidence your hand moved up towards my breasts and grabbed an ever ready nipple , it was hard before you touched it my body responds at the sight of you...

I flinch and you ask "Am I harassing you?" You can't see the hot tears welling up in my eyes and I try to still my shaky voice in a whisper I say "Yes" and then while flicking my tautness you ask in that lowered tone that you use when you are drowned in desire "Why aren't you stopping me?" So I pull your hand down and back to my waist "I'm stopping you now"...silence... Again you ask " so what happens when we are thrown into these akward positions?" I say " we gist and then we sleep" but you say "what if we can't?" I continue " we will try"...at this point my pillow is wet from my silent torrent of tears so I get up and go to the bathroom...

As soon as I shut the door I begin to wail, the silent whimpering I'm short of breath but I dare not let you know what you do to me, I'm so weak from loving too hard this was my moment, I was finally standing my ground I was supposed to be moving on because loving you was tearing me apart...but no...you had to touch me!!! Why, Why... Please WHY???

Hoping that you've fallen asleep I quietly enter the room and get back in bed, soon your hand is on my waist again and you ask "Do you want me to stop loving you?" I can swear my heart stopped beating at the possibility that you could!... So still whimpering I ask "Can you stop? You say it like there's a switch you can just turn off" holding me a little tighter you speak " do you want me to love you in another way?" Crying again I say "Yes" then you say the only way to do that will be to totally switch off...fresh tears...fresh pain....thinking silently (this is it but I need to be strong)...

Then you flip me over so effortlessly and force my legs open in one swift movement ... I refuse to open my eyes because the tears have blurred my vision, I want to yell don't do this but my body says otherwise , your lips find mine and the warmth and gentleness of every stroke makes me cry harder, my waist arches towards you and you find my nakedness .. Moist...inviting...ready ...take advantage of me...

And you do,I can feel how much you need me, the urgency in your kiss and then I feel you, my whole body shivers , I feel like our souls are speaking...you're thrusting...I'm grinding..thrust..grind..thrust ...thrust...oour whole relationship flashes right before me and then in a split second you let yourself go...Earth..

Just when I think its over, I'm crying uncontrollably still thinking (why am I so weak) you take me again, more gentle this time, devouring my heated breasts , sucking on my lips like you were searching my very being..passionate...then ...I shudder... You shudder harder... I tighten myself around you I want to feel everything... Then the quiet sets in and you whisper in my ear ..." I LOVE YOU"...the words escape my lips.."I LOVE YOU TOO"...

#

Don't wanna be alone tonight...

I don't want to be alone tonight
Because I fear that my thoughts are always of you..

I don't want to be alone tonight
Because I don't sleep wondering if you're thinking of me too...

I don't want to be alone tonight
Because even with my eyes open I see you right next to me...

I don't want to be alone tonight
Because I feel my body responding to a touch that I will never feel again...

I don't want to be alone tonight
Knowing she's the one you said "goodnight baby " to...

I don't want to be alone tonight
Cos I hear u asking me "do u want me to stop loving you?" Like it was only five minutes ago ...

I don't want to be alone tonight
Wishing on stars that have forgotten my name...

I really just don't want to be...A L O N E!

Tell them...I didn't listen

It seems there's a song for you everywhere I turn, although I didn't think the end was impossible it was just unimaginable , didn't ever want to think of what life would be without you... But now dats inevitable !

IMPOSSIBLE (Shontelle)

I remember years ago ​
​Someone told me I should take ​
​Caution when it comes to love ​
​I did, I did ​
​​
​And you were strong and I was not ​
​My illusion, my mistake ​
​I was careless, I forgot ​
​I did ​
​​
​And now when all is done ​
​There is nothing to say ​
​You have gone and so effortlessly ​
​You have won ​
​You can go ahead tell them ​
​​
​Tell them all I know now ​
​Shout it from the roof tops ​
​Write it on the sky line ​
​All we had is gone now ​
​​
​Tell them I was happy ​
​And my heart is broken ​
​All my scars are open ​
​Tell them what I hoped would be ​
​Impossible, impossible ​
​Impossible, impossible ​
​​
​Falling out of love is hard ​
​Falling for betrayal is worst ​
​Broken trust and broken hearts ​
​I know, I know ​
​​
​Thinking all you need is there ​
​Building faith on love and words ​
​Empty promises will wear ​
​I know, I know ​
​​
​And now when all is gone ​
​There is nothing to say ​
​And if you're done with embarrassing me ​
​On your own you can go ahead tell them ​
​​
​Tell them all I know now ​
​Shout it from the roof tops ​
​Write it on the sky line ​
​All we had is gone now ​
​​
​Tell them I was happy ​
​And my heart is broken ​
​All my scars are open ​
​Tell them what I hoped would be ​
​Impossible, impossible ​
​Impossible, impossible ​
​Impossible, impossible ​
​Impossible, impossible! ​
​Ooh impossible (yeah yeah) ​
​​
​I remember years ago ​
​Someone told me I should take ​
​Caution when it comes to love ​
​I did ​
​​
​Tell them all I know now ​
​Shout it from the roof tops ​
​Write it on the sky line ​
​All we had is gone now ​
​​
​Tell them I was happy ​
​And my heart is broken ​
​All my scars are open ​
​Tell them what I hoped would be ​
​Impossible, impossible ​
​Impossible, impossible ​
​Impossible, impossible ​
​Impossible, impossible ​
​​
​I remember years ago ​
​Someone told me I should take ​
​Caution when it comes to love ​
​I did..​
​

You said...then I said..

Monday July 12,2010
YOU:
‎​Though I suspected . .I only found out about u and him here cuz I read ur bb (I truly wished I didn't), which means I found out he was meant to come to here and all that, u guys shared the same jokes u sent to me (bout only people who can etc) u know all that . So from my view how special really was what we had, this past month I've struggled with my emotions yes I love u but there's just too much I can't deal with ,I wanted u for just me but were u always mine? I also analysed our relationship while trying to move forward, you never really listen to me, I can't be a perfect ... cuz I've to be sensitive cuz of. . . . And I also see u not happy with what we even have . . From ur tweets and regular side comments etc so really why not just bust. I might be better at concealing my feelings and get distractions to help deal with it. .but don't think I don't have them or never had them even with small things u do. . They get to me more than if its any other person. . .. Like I said there's nothing wrong with and any man would be blessed to have u under normal circumstances. U will always ve a special place in my heart. . .

ME:
I know u say I always have an explanation for everything but maybe that's how I am.

Sorry you read whatever you read and the joke about ..dat he sent if I vaguely remember d convo I know I said "I don't know what ure talking about" and laughed it off, you probably won't believe and don't need the info but I did it only once which was poor judgement cos I did it for d wrong reason, and I guess when u stay friends wit sumone uve been with such convos happen from time to time.Him coming to here was not for me , I'll say again we r not like dat even tho he doesn't know who you are he knows there's sumone I am/was in love with and dats where it ends.

I wanted to be just urs too and even if I slipped physically I never did emotionally , even at times dat I was so hurt u saying "sorry" would just melt me every time and u say it so well, but at d end of d day I'm human and so r u and even when d heart forgives d memories flash back from time to time.

Part of why I've been so messed up is cos of all d stuff I guessed too and little things like u telling me "she" sends u pics etc, I also feel like you shared what we had with her, she confides in u etc I don't do that with anybody, and since last year maybe that's why u felt that distance cos like I've told u already I just felt like u had betrayed me d worst possible way and u didn't seem to care . I would tell you things and you wud discuss it wit her or tell her and I just felt like I wasn't dat important anymore, yeah u r fond of me but u stopped "seeing" me.

I've been frustrated and all my side comments ( as we also discussed already) was me venting wanting to just get everything out in d open , dats probably childish n dats y we did d face to face talking and I thought we bonded and wud try to get if nothing else our friendship bk on track! But then u lied to me again d very next day.

Its true I haven't been happy cos I'd been obsessing about d other person u were loving even d day before my bday my resolve is lost my confidence has been broken I felt like I was trying too hard, this whole "M" thing has truly finally broken whatever is left of my heart(if hearts ever break) then those two days at d club, I just felt like if it has come to d point where u "can't be bothered" about how I feel then I probably haven't been loving myself enuff, if I was told dat cud ever happen I wouldn't believe it but I went thru it, crying in d club cos I actually cudnt hold it in anymore.

Maybe u know how to conceal/ act like u don't care etc, but I used to be like u at some point too, but I don't know how to be that strong anymore, when I told u I cudnt do it anymore dat day it was because I accepted from d very beginning to miss u even when ure standing beside me, but when its ur distractions dat occupy ur mind and I'm seeing everything u have to admit its not healthy!

With all that's been said and done its obvious too much water has passed n having a relationship in a bubble has not been easy for either of us, I agree with you and it goes without saying that u will always be in my heart, I've told u many times whether u believe it or not due to whatever factors, You are the only man I've ever been in love with, it doesn't come wit a manual but I tried my best. Thank you for the great memories we'll always share...

Just like a Hurricane!

I felt a little guilty today, maybe I made you stray but I know I didn't! You'd been straying long before I sought comfort in the arm of another and yet I'm feeling bad??? Doesn't even make sense! Shouldn't you be feeling bad at the thought of what you put me through? Yet you move on like I was bad weather and the seasons changed...another song dedicated to you JS "Hurricane"

HURRICANE

oh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh

I can see it in his eyes (Oh I), and he's been avoiding me all day
It seems as though he wants to cry, (Oh, I) and he's been acting really strange
He starts talkin' and I tuned him out
It doesn't matter anyway
Because I knew as soon as I saw clouds, yea
I knew what he was gonna say

Cuz when the tears start flowin' and the wind starts blowin'
That's how you know its comin' for you
When the rain start fallin' and you feel the pain comin'
That's how you know its comin' for you

Just like a hurricane, just like a hurricane, the way you break everything that comes in your way
Just like a hurricane, Just like a hurricane, the way you broke my heart and now I'm left with the pain
After the hurricane

Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh

Baby I'm not surprised, Oh I
You said just what I thought you would
And it hurts I ain't gon' lie oh I
But it doesn't hurt as bad as it could

Cuz when the tears start flowin' and the wind starts blowin'
That's how you know its comin' for you
When the rain start fallin' and you feel the pain comin'
That's how you know its comin' for you (hey baby)

Just like a hurricane, just like a hurricane, the way you break everything that comes in your way
Just like a hurricane, Just like a hurricane, the way you broke my heart and now I'm left with the pain
After the hurricane

Now my life is shattered ,and I'm left to pick up the pieces
And find a new beginning and put it back together again
After the hurricane, the hurricane

Just like a hurricane, just like a hurricane, the way you break everything that comes in your way
Just like a hurricane, Just like a hurricane, the way you broke my heart and now I'm left with the pain
After the hurricane

Just like a hurricane, just like a hurricane, the way you break everything that comes in your way
Just like a hurricane, Just like a hurricane, the way you broke my heart and now I'm left with the pain
After the hurricane....

ITS OVER

Don't have that much to write, you started having another relationship right in my face, claim you needed a distraction but I just learnt the hard lesson I meant nothing to you...

So easy for you to cut me off , I'm weak right now but my strength will come, I will smile again ...

Try Sleeping With A Broken Heart

I just realized I don't know this new U, here I was thinking I'd seen the worst
But uve invented a new way to hurt me, all u need now is a knife
So u can just stab me in the heart it already feels that way.
Alicia keys took some of d words out of my mind too shattered to say anything
Else but from d bottom of my chest (heart is ripped)... FUCK YOU!


Try Sleeping With A Broken Heart

Even if you were a million miles away
I could still feel you in my bed
near me, touch me, feel me
And even in the bottom of the sea
I can still hear inside my head
Telling me, touch me, feel me
And all the time you were telling me lies

So tonight I'm gonna find a way to make it without you
Tonight I'm gonna find a way to make it without you
I'm gonna hold on to the times that we had
Tonight I'm gonna find a way to make it without you

Have you ever tried sleeping with a broken heart?
Well you can try sleeping in my bed
Lonely, only, nobody ever shut it down like you
You wore the crown, you make my body feel heaven-bound
Why don't you hold me, need me, I thought you told me
You'd never leave me

Looking in the sky I can see your face
And i knew right where I'd fit in
Take me, make me
You know that I'll always be in love with you
Right til the end

So tonight I'm gonna find a way to make it without you
Tonight I'm gonna find a way to make it without you
I'm gonna hold onto the times that we had
Tonight I'm gonna find a way to make it without you

Anybody could have told you right from the start
It's bout fall apart
So rather than hold onto a broken dream
Or just hold onto love
And I could find a way to make it
Don't hold on too tight
I'll make it without you tonight

So tonight I'm gonna find a way to make it without you
Tonight I'm gonna find a way to make it without you
I'm gonna hold onto the times that we had
Tonight I'm gonna find a way to make it without you

Whatever Moments ....

I told you I couldn't believe a word you said anymore, how did we become that? You say you love me so much
Yet you betray me without a thought! I'm no saint, never said I was. But twice I slipped
Cos I thought what your actions were saying is that WE are through! I've been alone so
Many times in this realtionship and all I wanted was for you to see me...REALLY see me!

And the times you acted like you did see me I didn't believe you because you had mastered the
Art of pretending like your distractions were really nothing but I FEEL different! Why should love hurt
This much? And you act like it bothers you but D minutes you're ready to raise another skirt?
Is that love?

Yesterday for the first time even though I couldn't say it out loud I wrote that I couldn't do tis anymore
I thought I was strong enough to keep taking the emotional punches, the pain never stops its just
A momentary high and my resolve has weakened I am not a hard woman...NO .. I am not superwoman not with you
At so many other things I'm in control I'm capable but you've broken down my every wall
I am now so vulnerable, weak, afraid, insecure, paranoid!!! I don't like this woman! I don't want to be a mess
Just because I fell in love I don't want to become a shadow!

You do what you do because you can, I tried to be you but I really can't! I compare every word
Every gesture, I even miss your snoring when I hear quiet! But so far since yesterday every tear that has
Tried to make an appearance falls back and is stuck in my eyes, why? Does it know something I don't? Is the end
Of US a beginning I should be happy to embrace? I took myself out of the equation so I don't
Have to feel the pain when you inevitably betray me again, if you owe me nothing
Then I will feel nothing... At least that's my logic ! Gosh so its finally over?
FOUR YEARS!!!! I can feel how removed from reality I am right now my words are struggling
To make sense. I love you I always will but our "whatever" moments have drowned what was...

Speechless.....

Two days ago I wrote a post I couldn't post, fate knew the story wasn't ready,Two days ago I felt it was for the right reasons but nemesis had a twist awaiting meI've never hated the ability to love no that's a gift but the stiffness in my chestMeans the pain is ever present! I suffer in silence and I'm drowning in the air aroundMe! Nobody understands how could they? They don't even know , where is the woman soFull of life so confident so sure? I refuse to accept this legacy of heartbreak but rightNow I know no different....I'm staring at this words as I write them and I feel like I'veBeen drugged, pain, memories,regret, betrayal,I see your eyes I remember the smell ofHer and I knew! Like I always know WHY WHY WHy, my soul is wailing I'm shaken toMy core but I can't utter a word, WHY? How do I care so much, why does this feel like a curse? Even if you were man enough toAdmit it, would it make a difference? You can't undo what has been done, I can un knowWat I know, I can't breathe , I can't think I have no one to hold me I have no one!You were supposed to be my rock, the smile at the corner of my lips I lived with uOn borrowed time I loved you like a fool giving no thought to building my life withoutYou, I gave u too much, I'm all spent...

Shades of grey...

I have thought about you a few times and didnt mind getting to know you, didnt mind being a part of your life forever ,but somehow I cant be that person right now, you probably will never understand and somewhere you will be watching me and wishing i would reconsider! I love you but love is not always enough, forgive me in advance for the things i might do to you that even I am not sure of yet but know this....You will always be in my heart!!!!

Again And Again...

The most confusing thing is to not know exactly how I feel, have I let you go? Was I about to? Am I mad because you seem to be doing it better than me? Should I be relieved that life goes on? Yet sad that I seem to be living a lonely one? I can't explain everything I'm feeling, resentment, guilt, confusion , hurt!

I should be all too familiar with these methods tho, the silence! I've been here, the distance I've been there , the loneliness? I live here! Asking everytime why you won't just put me out of my misery but you deny me closure maybe to save yourself from looking me in the eye? You are right in a sense and I don't want your pity! Neither do I want to be treated like a bad habit!

I can't explain what is left of what I felt or if its still real because the erratic mood swings just exhaust me, I'm emotionally raw and I find my thoughts of you have become a staple in the closet of my conciousness ... Ever present , and I can't seem to shake you...

Heart break hotel!

it didn't seem deserted, in fact a lot of people happen to go here, I hear its very popular, women of all ages and some men too, the face said to me "you'll be in good company here some people like to talk some listen some cry or hold you when you cry, and every room has a shelf of all the sad love songs you need , we never run out of tissue and you can have as many sim cards as you want, anonymous phone calls are so last season!"

I looked around, sure enough it was adequate, a little corner of my own, one bed , pillows they even knew his favourite perfume! It was on the bed laying right next to his shirt, the face spoke again " I didn't wash the shirt so it wouldn't lose his DNA but feel free to spray on more of his perfume so you can feel like he's here when you wear it to bed at night, the tears come faster that way!" damn I thought , there was also a table and chair by the wall with loads of paper and a box of pens , the face continued "those as you can see are for writing him letters, you can do that everyday while you're in here, most people do that before the tears in the morning , it makes it more intense"

I also noticed the CD rack evetthing was well planned out , I turned round to see the door to the bathroom, in there it seemed someone had chronicled our entire relationship, pictures, conversations, dates everything embedded in the bathroom tiles there's no getting away now!

Yes, I think I have all I need, no food no water maybe some vodka , how do I pay I asked the face? " a broken heart will be sufficient miss" and how long can I stay? For as long as you want provided you stay broken!" well dear diary... I checked in this morning!

Almost doesn't count.....

The tears have become my bestfriend, knowing when to stop , keeping my secrets....none of this is new to me, i knew before i knew and i boasted to myself that i would get over the pain and do it all over again if i could...well i didnt anticipate that my heart would fall ill , it aches it cries it stifles it basically remains in constant pain! what am i afraid of? Why do we even fall in love? Why does it hurt so bad still? i am not going to lie to myself anymore...not going to paint you as a saint to make the fantasies more romantic,,,,dude u played me period!!!!!

How could you trivialise something that means so much to me?how could you not see that i give everything to you? guess its my fault for doing that though , i knew the deal but yet i let my heart fall deep and my head roll tumbling after..Lord help me heal! sometimes the tears well up so much but its too painful to cry and you! you? all you do is act like there is nothing underneath the look on my face , its always been a lose lose for me and here you are smiling all the way....i hate to believe that i was happy being second maybe even fifth best , but having to move on this way makes everything seem really worthless....i almost loved you for the rest of my life but ......